Page 62 of Face Off

“We’re here. Is this park okay?”

I glanced around and nodded. “Yeah, sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.”

He smiled and got out while I told myself to focus and got Sadie out of her seat.

“Look, Mommy!” She took off running to a long line of swings that were almost empty.

“I wonder if I was ever that excited about the park when I was her age,” Mikey said next to me. “It’s such a simple thing, but she loves it so much.”

“She really does. When I was looking for preschools for her, I first checked out the pictures of the playground to make sure it had her favorites before anything else. I felt so guilty about making her go there every day, so I wanted to make sure she would at least have things to look forward to.”

“How has she done there?” We walked up the path to the swings where Sadie was running along each of them, probably picking out which one was perfect.

“She really likes it. There isn’t a battle to get her up in the morning and I don’t have to rush her to get ready, because she can’t wait to get there. Plus, she’s been using more words lately, so I know she’s learning.”

“That’s crazy to think about.” He shook his head.

“What?” I asked.

“Just that she’s learning and growing so quickly, you can actually see the difference today.”

I laughed. “Oh yeah. At least a few times a week she’ll say a word I’ve never heard her use before. It’s crazy.”

We spent an hour at the park, following Sadie from the swings, to the monkey bars, to the slide. Mikey stayed at her side, helping her whenever she asked. It wasn’t fair. It was too perfect. Too close to what I’d wanted since the moment I found out I was pregnant with her. This was what I envisioned our Saturday afternoons looking like. My little family spending time together. Sadie laughing and smiling and running around without a care in the world. Knowing she was cherished and loved and safe.

This was a pretend version of that world. I had to remember that.

Even if we looked picture-perfect to the other families around us, it wasn’t real. At the end of the day, we wouldn’t go home together. He wouldn’t be there to tuck her into bed. He wouldn’t come back to me and hold me while we enjoyed the quiet of the evening. He wouldn’t be at my side when I woke up tomorrow.

No matter how close it felt right now, walking side by side back to his car, that wasn’t my reality.

“You’re quiet,” he said on the way to the grocery store.

How could I tell him what I was thinking? It would probably scare him. Make him think I was one of those crazy women who thought a man being kind to her meant anything other than he was a nice guy.

He didn’t have to be here. He certainly didn’t have to spend the whole day with us or buy us lunch or take us to the store to get food to fill my empty kitchen.

And that just made it all more confusing. How was I supposed to understand what it all meant? This was above and beyond a new friendship. Then again, he went from someone I loathed to a trusted confidant to my hero within a matter of weeks. That wasn’t normal either.

“I’m just thinking.” I finally glanced over at him.

“About what?”

A hundred different things. What would scare him the least?

“How quickly things can change.” There. That was nearly all-encompassing of the thoughts plaguing me.

“Very true.” He grinned and turned into the parking lot. “I’m just happy when it’s for the better.”

“Me too.” And this time it was. Just a few weeks ago, I was alone and scared and overwhelmed. I let my anger at my ex consume so much of my time and energy. Now, I barely thought about him at all.

“Should we see if they have any race car carts here?” Mikey turned to ask Sadie.

“Yeah!” She clapped, and we both got out. By the time I had her out of her seat and closed the door, Mikey appeared with a purple car.

“Ready?” He opened the little door for her and made sure she was settled before closing it. She turned the wheel back and forth while leaning to each side. “Oh wow. I didn’t realize how fast these went.”

Sadie nodded. “We gotta win.”