Page 117 of This Changes Everything

“Where’s the ball?” Ben asked. “I know you have it. Where is it?”

Rory stood, went into the bedroom, and came back with my lucky golf ball. He tossed it to Ben, who looked at it with a smile, then placed it on the table. Rory sat back down and took my hand once again.

“Anyway,” Ben continued, “I don’t need to tell you about that.” He nodded toward the ball, then leaned forward. “I would like to tell you, though, about a girl I know. She once got a chip of paint jammed under her fingernail. It was as thick as a wood chip. And when she was told that there was nothing she could do about it, she said fuck that and sawed off her whole hand.”

I laughed, feeling a small cry escape at the same time. “These stories have gotten bigger over the years.”

“You know, I know a girl who accidentally threw her golf club into the middle of a driving range.” Rory’s eyes dropped to our hands. “She must have been so embarrassed when everyone had to stop and watch her walk out into the rain to get her club, all by herself. But when I saw her come back to try again, soaking wet, determined, and mad as hell . . . I fell in love with her.” Rory flicked his eyes up to mine.

I turned my focus to my lucky golf ball. I had been holding on to it since I was fourteen. I had been holding on to it for the same length of time that I had been holding on to my dreams of living in Los Angeles. I had saved the ball specifically to remind myself that I was “a piece of shit.” I let out a small laugh, thinking about how ridiculous that was. Over sixteen years, that ball had transformed into something else entirely. Now, when I looked at my lucky golf ball with the Juniper logo on it, I saw Rory, I saw Ben, I saw Zoë, Hannah, Kara . . . everyone who’d traveled through life with me. And I saw the fearless little kid I used to be.

“I knew that girl. She was okay, I guess,” I said quietly. “She’d probably go back to the office, because she actually really liked her job, loved her boss, and would want him to know that Craig tried to break her, huh?”

Rory nodded softly. “I think she probably would.”

I thought of what I had overheard Rory say to Ben and Zoë the night before. You can’t tell Ellie what to do. She has to find it. Rory had always let me find my way. He wanted me to be exactly who I was, and he loved me through every transition, through every version. I tilted my head upward in an attempt to prevent any tears from falling. My love for Rory had been a thread throughout my entire life. We’d been tangled in it. We’d tripped over it. But it had pulled us together over and over again. It had always been there, connecting us.

I had lived so much of my life in the shadow of my regrets. How much more was I willing to sacrifice? I could drown in my past, wondering, “Was it worth it?” Or I could live for tomorrow, knowing it would be. I felt my chest expand as I looked at Rory and realized I had finally made it to my next tomorrow. I breathed in an old memory: There’s before this moment, and everything after. For the rest of your life, you’re living in the after.

“Can I go with you to talk to Ken?” Rory asked, unaware that I was on the precipice of a breakthrough.

“No. I need to do this myself.”

“She said, surprising no one,” Ben added with a wry smile.

“Okay.” Rory lifted his arm to pull me from my chair and onto his lap, then wrapped his arms around me. “I’ll probably be on the plane by the time you get back.”

“Okay.” There was something twisting and pulling inside me that knew this was going to be the last time Rory would leave me. It was certainly the last time I would leave him.

“What are you gonna do before you head to the airport?” Ben asked Rory, finally taking another bite of his sandwich, resuming breakfast.

Rory reached across my lap to pick up his sandwich and shoved the last little bit into his mouth. “Want to go play some golf ?”

“Yeah, dude. That sounds awesome,” Ben said, with his mouth full of food.

“Ben Winters and Rory Campbell, hanging out together? You guys are gonna cause a scene.” Zoë took a bite of her apple.

“Oh shit,” Ben said. “I don’t have anything to wear golfing.”

“Here.” Rory lifted me from his lap and stood up. “Come into the bedroom. I’ve got more clothes that’ll fit you.”

Ben followed Rory into my bedroom without a second thought.

My eyes went wide, and Zoë came over to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Is this full Twilight Zone for you?”

I listened to Rory and Ben chatting inside the bedroom, and that’s when I realized what was happening. They were becoming friends.

“Yup. Full Twilight Zone.”

Chapter 41

LOS ANGELES 30 years old

I PULLED MY CAR UP AROUND THE BACK OF MARIE STREET’S building, into the private parking lot, and looked at the metal staircase that led to the building’s emergency exit. I knew what was happening in that building without having to set foot inside. Interns were binding scripts. Assistants were rolling calls at their temperamental boss’s whim. Production assistants were already preparing lunch orders for each department. Lawyers were reviewing contracts. Creative executives were setting up general meetings with people they likely never intended to see again, or follow up with, for the sake of a busy schedule and optics. Ken was avoiding emails and calls from line producers who needed to talk about how everything was over budget.

I’d had a lot of “last times” in my life. But as I looked at the staircase and along the wall, I saw the flashing red light of a small surveillance camera hidden in the corner, and I thought maybe this “last time” could be different.

I held my breath as I walked through the office’s heavy black front door, fully aware that everyone was looking at me, and knocked on Ken’s closed office door.