Page 53 of This Changes Everything

“Is she with the roommate?” Cameron handed Kara a shot.

I kept my eyes shifting between the sticky circular table I was sitting at and the bar, trying not to get caught listening to their conversation.

“I think so.” Rory picked at his beer’s label.

Kara’s shoulders slumped sympathetically. “I hate to say it, but Ben’s great. I think you’d like him. I know you don’t want to hear that, but they’re good together.”

“What are you doing, Kare?” Cameron’s face pulled, then he turned back to his brother. “Don’t listen to her. I’m not counting you out yet, Rore.”

“Me, either. Put it all on the line. Do what you came here for.” Blair backed Cameron up and put his hand on Rory’s shoulder, squeezing it.

Rory kept his head down. He had peeled off most of the sticker with one clean rip. He balled it up and tossed it on the ground.

Ben came back into the bar with Lucas, and his face lit up to see me back at the table. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Rory stretch his neck around to watch Ben silently communicating with me from afar. Ben pointed at me, then gave me a subtle thumbs-up in one swift movement. You okay? Rory’s head twisted to see my response, which was a slight nod.

Everyone sat around two round tables pushed together. Hannah and Zoë flanked me on either side, and Ben and Rory both sat across from me, but next to each other. As the night went on, the music, the talking, the laughing, the noise . . . when it got loud enough that conversations were overlapping, Rory decided to break the ice.

He leaned toward Ben. “Hey. I’m sorry we crashed your party.”

Ben’s eyes flipped over to me quickly, checking my reaction. “All good. Happy to have you. You came a long way.”

I lowered my eyes, hoping they didn’t notice I was trying to listen. Did they notice everyone was pretending not to listen?

“So, what’s your place like?” Rory asked while taking a swig of his drink, trying to take the high road.

“It’s small and every cliché in the book. Within two weeks, we were both slapping cockroaches with our bare hands.”

“Ellie can be pretty tough when she needs to be,” Rory said.

“You have no idea.” Ben locked eyes with me. I could see Rory recoil at the thought that he had “no idea” about something to do with me. “In our Stage Combat class, she got a hard piece of lead paint wedged just under her fingernail. Our teacher tried to take it out with a needle. She almost passed out. I almost passed out. But it was stuck. We ended up going back to our apartment, where she filed off her entire nail from the top down to get it out.”

Rory’s eyes shot over to me. He was trying to temper his reaction, but I could tell the story jarred him, especially Ben’s use of the phrase our apartment.

“Anyway, that’s all to say . . . yeah, New York is incredible. It’s also tough. But like you said, she’s tough, too.” Ben leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table, creating a little more privacy. “Obviously, I know about you, Rory, and I know you know nothing about me.” I lifted my head. Rory’s stare secured onto mine as Ben continued. “I’m sure you’re probably worried about her, but she’s okay.” Ben cleared his throat. “I also know that she’s been yours for a long time, and I’m not here to take all that time away from you.”

Rory’s jaw set, and his eyes hardened. He was unnerved by Ben’s confidence.

“Do you love her?” Rory asked, matching Ben’s boldness.

I saw Blair’s and Cameron’s eyes widen, even though they were supposed to be talking to Lucas. Kara and Hannah zeroed in on me, even though they were supposed to be talking to each other. And I heard Zoë accidentally say, “Oh shit,” when she was supposed to be talking to Jacob.

Ben looked over at me calmly. He knew I was listening.

“Yeah, I do. I love her.” Ben’s lips curved into the smallest of smiles, knowing I could hear him. “I don’t know if she loves me, though.”

I felt myself expand from my bones to my blood to my skin. My eyes turned from Ben to Rory, and I emptied into a vacuum of longing and regret. I regretted being with Rory, and being without him. And I longed for a life with Ben, and a life without him. I was perfectly split in two.

Rory’s gaze lifted to the ceiling as he swallowed, calming himself down. After an extended period, Rory lifted his beer bottle and tipped it toward Ben. Ben met his gesture and gave Rory’s bottle a tap. “I’m glad to meet you, too, Ben,” Rory finally said.

“Do you guys come here a lot?” Blair asked the table as loudly as possible, likely changing the conversation on purpose to steer it away from the two loves of my life.

“We travel around, but this bar is in the rotation. It’s not far from where I live.” Lucas tapped the tabletop and pushed his drink over to Hannah so she could give it a taste.

Blair pinched his mouth together with annoyance. Hannah looked back at Blair from over the drink with a flirty smile, leaving me wondering what the hell that look was about.

Lucas continued, oblivious to Hannah and Blair’s silent exchange. “Usually, we go to where Ben works.”

“That’s where we were last night.” Kara threw back her drink as if she were determined to win a competition. “It was the best. Ellie sang.”