Page 76 of This Changes Everything

Hannah let out a heavy exhale, anticipating my next comment.

“The day after the funeral was the last time I talked to Ben.” My body panged with the back-to-back memories, and I realized I wasn’t breathing.

“Oh, shit . . .” Zoë dropped her voice. “Yeah, rough couple of days,” she said quietly, remembering the series of events.

Hannah, Zoë, and I stayed quiet until Maddy hollered out excitedly, “Another text!”

My palms started to sweat. It wasn’t that I was worried about what my friends thought of Rory. It was that, after all these years, I still thought about him too much.

“He said, ‘Unless you have something else in mind,’ with a question mark!” Kara bellowed. “He’s freaking out right now that you haven’t responded. I bet he’s just sitting there, looking at his texts, waiting for your thought bubble.”

I could hear Maddy laugh, then quietly say, “Let’s write something back.”

I dropped my makeup and sprinted out of the bathroom. I snapped my phone out of Kara’s hands and quickly typed.

ELLIE: Topgolf @ 8. See you there.

I brought my phone back into the bathroom, leaving my meddling friends in the living room to finish getting changed so they could see Gwen Stefani in concert. My big Las Vegas night out was going to be remarkably different from theirs.

Chapter 30

VANCOUVER 26 years old

I HAD BEEN IN LOS ANGELES FOR A YEAR WHEN HANNAH TOLD ME that Rory’s dad had passed away from pancreatic cancer, and the wake was going to be held at Juniper Golf Club. I felt sick. It had been five years since my twenty-first birthday. More than that, it had been ten years since I had been to Juniper. But there was no way I was going to miss being there for the Campbell brothers.

Hannah and I drove to the funeral together, our parents separately. We hid at the back of the church during the service. Mrs. Campbell, Blair, Cameron, and Rory sat in the front row. I could see Cameron continually wiping his eyes throughout the service, and Blair rubbing his brother’s back. Rory was wearing a black suit, and his wild hair looked tamed. He still had loose curls, but they were controlled. He sat stoically next to his mom as she crumbled in his arms. Kara and Jacob were also at the back of the church. I knew Kara was nervous about seeing Cameron, but like me, she was going anyway.

Blair stepped up to give his eulogy, and Cameron and Rory stood by his side. They kept their eyes down as Blair spoke beautifully of his father, telling his life story within the space of five minutes.

Five minutes. You just get five minutes.

If someone were telling my life story and they only had five minutes, what would I want them to say? I knew it would never be what I actually wanted them to say; it would be how that sole person saw me. It would be one person, and how they felt about me, speaking for me for the last time. I dropped my eyes and could feel the walls closing in. Who in the world really saw me for who I was, well enough to make those five minutes count?

As Blair was finishing, Rory looked up and spotted me at the back of the crowd. I saw his dark-brown eyes soften. He took in a long, deep breath through his nose. I fastened my lips together into a small, downturned smile and tilted my head to the side. I subtly lifted my chin to silently tell him everything I could say in that moment: Hi. I’m sorry. I’m here.

Rory nodded ever so slightly, receiving my unspoken message. His chest lifted after another big, deep breath, and he sat back down with his mom when Blair’s five minutes were over.

We pulled up Juniper’s driveway and drove past the bag stand where I used to wait to get picked up. I could see the putting green off in the distance. I could see the boys having their putting competition, and Albert Davis sitting in his golf cart, looking at me. I could see Rory and me running toward the clubhouse in the pouring rain, our socks sloshing, and hear both of our dads shouting at us. I could see us in the back of the pickup truck, legs pressed against each other, sunset seeping into our pores. My entire childhood lay before me in vignettes. Everything I’d loved first. Everything I’d never have again. I let out a shaky breath.

I can do this.

Hannah and I walked into Juniper’s ballroom in silence. Everything was exactly as it had been. The cherrywood floors, the cathedral ceiling, the twinkly white lights strung around the windows. A slideshow was playing on the same old projector, showing photos of Mr. Campbell throughout the years with friends and family.

Orson Whitlock was the first to notice us. He walked over, handsome as ever and dressed in a dark-gray suit. He opened his arms for a double hug. “The McCain girls have entered the building.” He turned to me. “How’s New York?”

“I’m not there anymore. I’m in LA now.”

“No shit? Hollywood really did it.” He smiled.

“Yup.” I looked down and winced at Orson’s old nickname for me. “I really did it.”

“Yeah, you know what? Now that you say it, I think I already knew that.” Orson pointed his finger, trying to remember. “I think Jacob told us you made your way out there. How long has it been? You’re a movie producer now, right?”

“One year. I’m an assistant.”

“Very cool. Where’s Ben?”

I shouldn’t have been surprised that Orson asked about Ben. The last time he’d seen me was at Blair and Cameron’s restaurant for our joint birthday dinner.