Page 141 of The Dark Lord’s Guide to Honeymooning (and Other Acts of Tyranny)

Finally, he straightened. “I’d be honored to help stop Auremar’s atrocities. Beyond that…” He shrugged. “I suppose we’ll see.”

“Good,” I said, allowing myself a sharp smile. “Because that’s all I was offering—a trial basis.”

“So how many heroes are we talking about?” Vex asked. “And what exactly are we going to do with them once we’ve acquired them? Should families be placed together in the guest quarters or given their own rooms?”

“Guest quarters?” I scoffed. “They’ll go in the dungeons, obviously.”

“Absolutely not,” Arabella said immediately. “They’re not enemies.”

Vex nodded in agreement. “The Dark Lady is right. The dungeons would be entirely inappropriate.”

I stared at them both, feeling distinctly ganged up on. “Of course they’re enemies. They’re heroes. I’m the Dark Lord. It’s the very definition of enemies.”

“Are we going to sacrifice the remaining heroic bloodlines in our own ritual?” Thorne asked, perking up with disturbing interest. “Because I’ve been working on some new blade designs that would be perfect for ceremonial bloodletting.”

Griffin’s eyes widened, and the last pancake wiggled feebly on his fork. “Oh! If we’re conducting sacrifices, I should prepare the proper equipment! The great hall has excellent acoustics for ritual chanting, and I’ve been experimenting with a new incense blend that amplifies magical resonance during—”

“No!” Sebastian and Arabella shouted in unison.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. This conversation was spiraling rapidly out of my control. The Shadow King’s whispers grew louder, suggesting increasingly creative ways to silence everyone and reassert dominance.

“We are not,” I said through gritted teeth, “sacrificing anyone. That’s Auremar’s approach, not mine.”

“But you just said they were enemies,” Thorne rumbled.

“They are,” I insisted. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to kill them for a ritual, as appealing as that would be. This time, I prefer my enemies alive and thoroughly inconvenienced.”

“Then what are we going to do with them?” Vex pressed.

I sighed. “To answer your first question, we need as many heroes as possible. Every heroic bloodline we secure is one Auremar can’t use. As for what happens after…” I trailed off, not wanting to admit I hadn’t thought that far ahead. I’d been a bit busy.

“The Alchemist mentioned a ritual,” Arabella supplied, watching me carefully. “Something to get the Shadow King out of the ley lines without sacrificing anyone.”

“Yes,” I said, seizing on this. “The Alchemist has a ritual in mind.” I didn’t mention my suspicion that whatever this ritual entailed, it would likely involve considerable pain for all participants. No need to scare off our new recruit before he’d even started.

Sebastian narrowed his eyes. “So we’re just… collecting them? For safekeeping?”

“Think of it as preventative custody,” I suggested. “We’re preventing worse kidnapping.”

“That’s not a thing,” Arabella muttered.

“I’m the Dark Lord. I decide what’s a thing.”

“And they definitely won’t be sacrificed?” Griffin asked.

“No sacrifices,” I said firmly.

Griffin and Thorne exchanged a look of profound disappointment.

“We haven’t done a proper sacrifice in ages,” Griffin added wistfully. “The last one was when we tried to summon that weather spirit for the solstice celebration, and that hardly counts since it was just a goat.”

I caught Arabella’s horrified expression and Sebastian’s growing pallor, and decided this particular conversation had gone far enough. We had heroes to kidnap and a world to save—preferably without anyone fainting in the war room.

42 Keep It Professional

(for Approximately Twelve Minutes)

Arabella