Page 263 of The Dark Lord’s Guide to Honeymooning (and Other Acts of Tyranny)

“Like whispers, they said. Or singing. Or screaming. They couldn’t seem to agree.” Vex closed her ledger. “I told them to seal it back up until you could investigate.”

“Good.” I pulled on my coat, checking that my daggers were in place. “Show me.”

We made our way through the fortress, and I again congratulated myself on sticking to the rule that there were to be no “guests” in the Inner Sanctum. At least here I could have some peace and quiet—

I leaped aside as two children—children!—ran past, chasing what looked like one of Griffin’s escaped experiments. Wait… why were they running through my courtyard?

“Vex,” I growled.

“It’s recess. They needed a more open area to let off some steam. Apparently, they haven’t been applying themselves to their studies since moving to Skyspire, and we thought—”

I turned to find the source of this chaos. The children had stopped their chase and were now staring at me with the unabashed curiosity only the young possessed, whispering behind cupped hands. And supervising this disaster? Thorne, my security chief, who was currently helping a small girl untangle a tentacled rabbit from her hair.

“Thorne?” I called out, my voice carrying that special edge that made grown men reconsider their life choices.

He looked up, his expression shifting from gentle patience to something approaching panic. “My lord! I was just—uh, the children needed—”

“Since when do you supervise recess?” I demanded.

His face reddened. “Lady Blackrose suggested someone trustworthy should watch them, and I—” He cleared his throat, trying to recover his usual gruff demeanor, but his consternation reminded me of Griffin. “Security protocols, my lord. Can’t have unsupervised children running about.”

One of the boys tugged on Thorne’s sleeve. “Can you tell us that story about fighting three ogres at once?”

I raised an eyebrow. My terrifying security chief had been regaling children with bedtime stories?

“Later, lad,” Thorne muttered, looking like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.

“The Inner Sanctum is off-limits,” I said firmly. “It’s far too dangerous for children.” Yes, that was it. Not because I didn’t want sticky fingerprints on my walls or drawings of “Mean Mr. Dark Lord” appearing everywhere. Pure safety concerns.

“But my lord,” Vex began, “the other courtyards are either under construction or—”

“What about the swamp?” I suggested. “Plenty of open space. Fresh air. Educational opportunities with the local wildlife.”

Vex’s eyes widened. “The swamp with the flesh-eating bog plants and mutant deer?”

“Character building,” I said. “Besides, the plants are mostly dormant this time of year.”

She opened her mouth to argue, then caught sight of my expression and thought better of it. “Of course, my lord. I’ll, uh, arrange for swamp supervision immediately.”

Behind her, I could hear one of the children asking Thorne if the Dark Lord really ate people for breakfast, and Thorne’s fumbling response that I preferred toast.

I needed another coffee.

“My lord! My lord!”

The high-pitched squeaking could only belong to one person. I turned to see Griffin practically galloping across the courtyard, his too-short robes flapping around his spindly legs like demented wings attached to his ass. He skidded to a halt in front of us, nearly toppling over in his excitement.

“Griffin,” I said wearily. “What’s on fire now?”

“Nothing!” He beamed, then reconsidered. “Well, nothing important. Just a small incident with the—but that’s not why I’m here!” His amber eyes were practically glowing behind his glasses. “I’ve made the most fascinating discovery about the ley line convergence patterns beneath the citadel!”

“Thrilling,” I said flatly.

“No, no, you don’t understand!” He pulled out Sims’s Doom Scroll, now covered in his own incomprehensible notes and diagrams. He’d finally modified it, and judging by a few of the lines I saw scrolling past, had used Sebastian’s suggestion of finding good news as well. “The harmonic resonance frequencies are completely unprecedented! If I can just calibrate the—”

“Griffin,” Vex interrupted gently. “We’re actually on our way to investigate something.”

His eyes lit up even more, if that was possible. “Oh? What kind of something? Magical anomaly? Cursed artifact? Temporal distortion?”