Page 93 of The Dark Lord’s Guide to Honeymooning (and Other Acts of Tyranny)

“That sounds—” Less immediately lethal? “—lovely.”

Beside me, Kazimir stood like a statue, his face a mask of rigid control. He hadn’t spoken more than three words to me all morning, and those had been “Get dressed. Now.” He’d barely looked at me since the disaster at the Gilded Gallows, and I’d been too furious to attempt conversation.

The Twilight Wine had worn off hours ago, leaving me with nothing but a headache and the crystal-clear memory of him trying to compel me to stay put while he chased after Pip. Unfortunately, the wine didn’t cause hallucinations. What I’d seen had been real.

And what I’d seen was my husband attempting to use his power to control me, just like every other man in my life had tried to do.

The worst part? When I’d looked into Kaz’s eyes at the Gilded Gallows, I’d seen someone else looking back. Someone who’d wanted to hurt me.

And I’d known it wasn’t Kazimir.

I’d spent the night alone in our suite, alternating between rage and hurt, waiting for him to return so I could properly eviscerate him. But dawn had come, and he’d still been gone. When he finally appeared, disheveled and hollow-eyed, the Alchemist’s message had arrived immediately after, summoning us to the spa.

So here we were, trapped in a bizarre wellness center with a woman who thought deadly venom made an excellent beauty product, pretending everything was fine. The only thing keeping me from setting something on fire was the knowledge that the Alchemist would use any perceived weakness against us.

Speaking of…

“When will the Alchemist be joining us?” I asked the attendant.

“Oh, not until after your treatments! They’re getting their weekly acid peel. Takes about three hours to properly dissolve the old face and grow a new one. In the meantime, we have many options for our honeymoon package—”

“Honeymoon package?” Kazimir’s voice could have frozen lava.

The attendant’s smile somehow grew wider. “The Alchemist insisted on our most romantic couple’s experience! They said you two lovebirds deserved the full treatment after your whirlwind journey.”

I felt my husband’s magic spike dangerously. Before he could do something we’d regret—like turn the attendant into a jellyfish for his very own—I grabbed his arm. His muscles were rigid under my touch.

“How thoughtful of them,” I said with my most glittering smile.

Three hours. Three hours of pretending everything was fine while my husband and I could barely stand to be in the same room.

The attendant’s smile grew strained as she glanced between us. “Wonderful! If you’ll follow me, I’ll show you to our volcanic therapy room.”

She led us through the Villainous Corporate Retreat & Spa, a labyrinth of black marble and obsidian that occupied an entire level of the God Spire. The decor was exactly what you’d expect from a high-end resort catering exclusively to villains: elegant, opulent, and just a touch macabre. Crystal chandeliers shaped like human rib cages. Plush velvet lounges the color of fresh blood. Fountains powered by the wails of tortured souls.

I had to admit it was impressive. Under different circumstances, I might have enjoyed it.

We passed a room where a group of necromancers in fluffy black robes were getting pedicures from tiny undead beetles. In another chamber, a demon lord floated in a pool of what appeared to be liquid gold, his many eyes closed in bliss.

“Here we are!” The attendant stopped before a set of double doors made from volcanic glass. “Your private therapy suite.”

She pushed open the doors to reveal a dimly lit room dominated by two massage tables. The air was heavy with the scent of sulfur and exotic incense. In the center of the room, a pit of glowing coals radiated heat, and arranged neatly beside it were rows of black stones that glowed with inner fire.

“Please disrobe and lie face down on the tables,” the attendant said. “Your therapists will be with you shortly.”

Kazimir’s only response was a grunt that might have been agreement or might have been a warning that he was about to murder everyone in the vicinity. Hard to tell.

I sighed. This was going to be a long day.

She left, closing the doors behind her with a soft click. The silence that descended was suffocating.

I went behind my screen and started undressing, hyperaware of every rustle of fabric. On the other side of the room, I heard Kazimir not moving at all.

“Are you going to just stand there?” I asked as I took a silk robe from its hook.

“Yes. No one touches me except you.”

I shoved down the complicated feelings his confession stirred up and poked my head around the screen. “We need to present a united front. You know that.”