Page 101 of Pining for You

“I am aware,” he says stiffly. “But thank you.”

Then Cash strolls up beside him, wearing a silver velvet suit of his own and looking like a long, shimmery string of tinsel.

“Hey, B,” he says, a little more muted than usual.

“Prince Christmas,” I say, then correct myself. “Or should I say, Prince Polar Quasar?”

I give a small bow and glance down for a moment, mustering the nerve to look them both in the eye again—but as I do, my gaze lands on Cash’s feet.

“Um, excuse me, Your Highness, but are those…”

“Audra told me I could Venmo Billy and keep the boots. It’s important to be practical,” he says. “Besides, gotta set the trends, not just chase them.”

I’m not sure if I should be but I’m laughing now, because he’s already bedazzled them with rhinestones and glitter paint. Before I can tell him that he is always a trailblazer even without hiking boots, though, Izaac nods behind me.

“Somebody had better put out a statewide alert, because this one is giving hot girl winter,” he says, jaw a little dropped. I turn to see Diya standing next to her mother in a blazer the color of a sugar plum, with purple sleeves that Cash embroidered with gold. She hasn’t seen us yet but Izaac is right, she has a swagger I’ve never seen before, and I’m loving it for her.

Neither of us are exactly evening gown kind of girls, so I’m dressed similarly in tuxedo pants and a blazer, going for Phoebe Bridgers in her boygenius best, but I don’t feel nearly as confident.

Diya finally spots us, then takes her mother’s arm and leads her over to us.

“You kids look marvelous,” Reena says.

“So do you!” Cash says, stroking her sleeve. “This sari is magnif. I’d die to learn how to make something like this someday.”

“You come visit anytime and you can have free rein in my closet,” she says. “All right, I think I’ll go say hello to some of the other old people. Enjoy, sapling,”

She kisses Diya on the forehead and heads in the direction of the drink station, where she greets Naomi. My mother is wearing a wine-colored, drop-waisted dress with the rhinestone-studded silver cowboy boots I gave her, and looks so beautiful it hurts.

“I can only hope we’re all as fabulous as those two someday,” Cash says.

There’s silence between us for a moment. This is my chance, before things get awkward, before the party really gets underway. I hit refresh on Naomi’s words one more time in my head, and rub the smooth blue stone I stashed in my pocket before I left to clear my throat chakra (for the sake of a clear apology). Then I turn to my friends.

“So,” I start, “before things get wild up in here, I would like to apologize to you guys, if you’ll let me.”

Izaac nods, and neither Cash nor Diya object, so I go ahead with a speech I mentally rehearsed a hundred times in the last few hours.

“Okay,” I say. “I was not super cool this morning.”

“Facts,” Izaac says. I wince a little.

“Right, I know. And I have spent the whole day thinking about it. I’m not saying… I don’t have an excuse or anything, but I just—I think it all hit me at once, you know? I was so embarrassed about what happened with Eve. And I was afraid I’d let you guys down or you’d think less of me, so it was easier to get mad at you first. I guess I’ve been so scared of so much lately.”

“What are you afraid of?” Cash asks.

“Everything?” I say. “I’m afraid my sister might come back home, or that she might never come back. I’m afraid that my mom will never have any peace and is going to work herself to death. I’m afraid of how I’ve been feeling lately, that I’m changing, and turning into this angry person. I’m scared of how distracting all that anger has been, especially with my applications and stuff, and that I’ll never finish them or figure out my future. I’m afraid that my optimism, or my own belief in magic, which I thought was my purpose, might just be another thing I’m losing.” I pause, but I keep my eyes on the floor of the barn because I’m not ready to see anyone’s reactions until I’m finished. “It’s so much change, and you were all right—I’m scared because there’s so much I can’t predict based on a formula or direct myself.

“But most of all, I’m afraid of losing you guys. You’re my family, you know? You’re the loves of my life,” I say, looking at Diya now, and there’s recognition in her eyes. “And it just feels like with everything that is going to change, how will we be able to stay friends when it does?”

There’s a beat and I chew my lip.

“I think we all worry about that, B,” Izaac says. “But we’re going to figure it out, together.”

“Because we’re a family,” Cash says.

“Adaptation is nature’s strongest feature,” Diya adds wisely.

“Anyway, I’m sorry too,” Izaac says. “I knew you were struggling and maybe I shouldn’t have pushed so hard for the whole Brooklyn thing. I think I was kind of doing the same as you, just trying to fix things when I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared too, you know?”