Page 108 of Pining for You

Then I hear Diya’s words about her leap of faith. And what Johnna said. And my mom. And my new friend with the crystals. Even Michelle, once upon a time. And all those voices and votes of confidence, all the messages and wisdom combine to help me trust myself, my own gut feeling, and believe that no matter what happens, it’ll be worth taking the risk.

“I think we owe it to Christmas to find out,” I say.

“So then, it’s time for me to turn the question around,” Eve says, grinning again. “What do you want for Christmas, Strudel?”

I raise my gaze to look at Eve directly in those melted chocolate eyes, and I feel the world around us dissolve. For once, I don’t even have to think about the answer.

“I want you to kiss me,” I say.

And when she does, this time there are no interruptions.

31

December 31 (New Year’s Eve)

“So, does the fact that your name is Eve make you love these holidays more or less?” Cash asks, crunching on a handful of Trader Joe’s tree-shaped tortilla chips and sitting cross-legged on our couch. Eve laughs and reaches for the peppermint Joe-Joe’s on the coffee table. Izaac was extra generous with his employee discount and dropped off a ton of Trader Joe’s snacks yesterday while I was finishing editing. They are now arranged suspiciously within Cash’s reach.

“You know, I can’t say I’ve really thought about it,” Eve says, taking a bite of the cookie.

“Well, I think it’s pretty fabulous to share your name with a holiday. Actually, two!” he says.

“I think I’d rather be associated with currency, actually,” Eve responds.

“Do you all know what Diya’s name means?” Reena asks us as she enters the room and places a tray of Cooper sparkling cider and copycat Mother Earth mocktails on the coffee table. She’s wearing some 2027 glasses in glittery purple and takes a seat on the armchair across from us as she tells us, “It means ‘light.’ ”

“As in, ‘let your heart be…’?” I ask, putting my head on Diya’s shoulder before stealing a sip of her drink. Seichi, who is sitting on her other side, apparently feels left out, so he lays his head on Diya’s other shoulder.

“She definitely brightens my days,” Cash says, gesturing to the file of papers with a Polaroid attached she just passed him. She got him a poinsettia for Christmas, explaining that she hoped it would help keep him company in his new place. Naturally, she’s also given him instructions on how to care for the plant for the rest of the year. Cash has been telling all of us for the last week that he can’t wait to become a plant daddy in his new glittery New York life.

We’re all planning to go to Brooklyn to help Cash move and belatedly celebrate his eighteenth birthday with pizza and doughnuts in his new place—an apartment he’ll share with some other recent grads not far from Audra’s. And the most exhilarating Christmas-slash-birthday gift ever came early for Cash—before she left town on Christmas Eve, Johnna offered him a job as her assistant-slash-intern-slash-comic-relief.

Johnna promised to teach him some techniques and introduce him to a few people who might be able to help him on his journey to becoming Broadway’s next costume designer icon. He’s been so motivated ever since shedding the weight of his big decision. He’s planning to start work on his GED, and came over the other day to show Naomi and me the portfolio he’s pulling together for design schools based on Johnna’s advice. It’s been so inspiring and incredible to witness.

I, on the other hand, am thrilled to have zero applications due. It has been exactly three hours since I turned in my last submission.

In the end, I decided that my purpose isn’t something I know entirely just yet. What I learned more than anything from my indie documentary project is that there is so much to learn—about the world, and about myself. I’ve talked about film school so consistently for so long, that I never paused to reevaluate if it was still what I really wanted, and I realized I wasn’t ready to commit four years and all that tuition money before I really understood my options. So I’ve decided to take a gap year. I’ve started looking at potential jobs in the city as a production assistant or something in the industry. Or maybe even at a bakery, so I can study people and find inspiration.

I’ve also applied for three different young filmmaker grants, which would help me fund my life in Brooklyn based on a project I’ve pitched—the first of which is a film about a queer girl who goes to the big city to find her dream girl to have her first kiss—and prove the value of believing in real-life magic.

Either way, for now I’m choosing to be curious and open, instead of sticking to the script. I’m going to try new things and see where life takes me. Maybe it’ll still be film school, but if it is, when the time comes, I’ll feel confident knowing I’ve done the research. Maybe I’ll even document it all with my new (old) camera.

I’m proud of what I put together and what I learned in the process, and tonight, on New Year’s Eve, I’m screening the results, my late Christmas gift, to my friends.

“Sorry I’m late!” Izaac says, bursting in and shucking off his coat. “Just finished dinner with my mom and put Audra on the train.”

“Thank god,” Eve said. “Carlos spent the whole week planning their brunch for tomorrow.”

Eve told me earlier that Carlos is taking Tía’s advice (or dictate) to take New Year’s Day off. He’s still planning to cook, but this time only for Audra, rather than the entire borough of Brooklyn.

“He’s had us taste-testing versions of his chilaquiles all week long. Normally I wouldn’t complain, but I’m getting a little tired of having eggs jammed in my face four times a day,” she says. “He is so excited for her to come back to Brooklyn.”

After the Cooper party, Audra stayed in Ripton for the week. They sat down with their parents and presented a unified front. The Evans siblings have a new shared plan: to pursue their own dreams—whatever those might be—and to support each other no matter what path they choose. And together, they also had a family discussion about their parents’ marriage. Izaac and Audra suggested that they at least separate—that it would be better for everyone, and that they deserve a chance to be happy too.

She and Izaac have been helping their father get situated in an apartment-style hotel until he finds a place of his own, and making sure their mother is okay in their home during the transition. Audra and Izaac said that Roxanne and Robert are already in much better spirits. The four of them even actually enjoyed a holiday meal together, and Izaac reported that it was “very civilized.”

“I hope Carlos is ready. That diva is a lot right now,” Izaac says. “She tried like six hairstyles yesterday and I can opine no more.”

“I find that hard to believe,” I say, throwing a handful of popcorn at him.