Page 66 of Winter Magic at Hollybrae Castle

He seems shattered, and not just in an exhausted way. The kind of worn down that even a night with twelve hours of sleep wouldn’t fix, and I feel the same exhaustion needling at me too. Worn out from days of keeping up a pretence that hasn’t felt like a pretence at all, until today. Dejected from the joyous thoughts of getting to stay here with this beautiful fake husband of mine, to… this. Going back to Calloways feels like the most crushing end to this Scottish adventure, and yet, the sensible side of me knows that it’s by far the best outcome I could’ve hoped for, and like Ollie, I should have been able to tell when daydreams were nothing more than exactly that.

‘So, that’s it then. Our work here is done.’ Even his voice sounds flat and is missing the animation that matched the jingling bell socks and reindeer antler headbands in the past few days. ‘I’ll transfer the other half of your fee into your account this afternoon, as promised.’

‘Don’t you dare!’

He blinks in surprise at my loud protest, but something about it rubs me up the wrong way in every way. ‘I don’t want your money, Ollie. I don’t want to be paid for falling in love with you!’

His shoulders sag and it takes him an excruciatingly long time to answer. ‘You don’t mean that.’

‘Which part?’ I ask with my fingers twisting together, wishing I hadn’t let that slip out. He looks like he desperately needs the biggest hug, and it’s my fault. I’m the one who’s made this so difficult. I knew the goal of this pretence, and I’ve let myself get carried away in daydreams and tried to drag him along with me, while knowing from day one that Ollie always does the sensible thing.

‘Both of them! You’ve done the job I hired you to do, so don’t tell me you shouldn’t be paid for it, and the second part…’ He sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose, wincing like he’s battling a headache. ‘We’ve got too caught up in all of this. The lines have got too blurred. We’re believing the parts we’re playing. We’ve got swept away by Christmas magic and a fantasy life. It isn’t real. I wish it was, Lu, but it isn’t. We both knew what we were signing up for.’

‘Okay then. Thanks for the clarification, Oliver.’

‘Don’t call me that.’

‘What am I supposed to call you?’ I snap. ‘You’re my boss, aren’t you? That’s all you’ve been for the past month – my employer? You said that Oliver is for work, and if that’s all this has been then it’s only right to call you by your work name. I’m sorry if I’ve overstepped any boundaries in the course of my employment this month.’

‘Lula…’ His hand comes up like he wants to reach for me, but I get it too. This has got too much. It has got blurred. I thought I knew exactly what was real and what wasn’t, but now I’m doubting everything. The best thing we can do for both of us is to take a step back. I can meet him again, in London, away from this place and the pretence that led us here, and we can see if there’s ever been anything real at all, but for right now, I’m seconds away from sobbing and, judging by the dent in his face, Ollie’s got the inside of his cheek clamped between his teeth, and it’s my turn to be the sensible one.

‘I’m going to pack. See you… sometime.’ I force myself to put one foot in front of the other until I’m outside of the kitchen, and then the tears fall. I might’ve known how this was going to end, but I never expected it to hurt this much.

24

On our last night, we ate dinner in silence, and then Ollie shut himself in his office and didn’t come out. I parked myself in front of the TV and hoped he’d come down, but he didn’t. I can’t even remember what I watched. The castle feels like a mausoleum. One set of lights has gone out and no one’s bothered to fix them. Hamish has promised he’ll take down the decorations and pack them away, but it doesn’t matter now. It’s highly unlikely I’ll ever come back here.

I finish packing and shove Ollie’s cream cardigan into my suitcase too. He’s not having that back, ever.

My room looks like it did when I arrived. Like I was never here. Everything has changed and nothing has changed at the same time, and that’s how I feel about the prospect of the taxi that’s on its way to pick me up. I’m going back to London as a different person, but somehow exactly the same.

I said goodbye to Nancy and Hamish earlier this morning, and Ollie… I was intending to find him, but as I drag my suitcase out of my bedroom door, he’s standing in the hallway, waiting for me, and he insists on carrying it all the way to the driveway. I trail behind him, battling through the feeling of complete desolation. It’s one of those moments that you hope will never come, even though you know it’s unavoidable. My legs feel unsteady and my whole body is trembling with the effort of trying not to cry, because if I start, it feels like I’ll never stop.

The taxi isn’t here yet, and we stare at each other. Neither of us knows what to say.

‘Thank you for everything.’ Eventually, he swallows hard and forces himself to speak. ‘No matter what, this has been the best Christmas I’ve had in years and that’s solely because of you. I’m glad you came.’

‘Me too,’ I say, relieved by how genuine he sounds. He’s said that so many times now, and each time, I’ve believed him wholeheartedly and despite everything else, I believe him now too.

I take a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry about yesterday. You’re right, Ol. It’s hard to turn down financial security and choose uncertainty. I can’t do it either, so don’t think I don’t understand.’

I feel the weight of the holly leaf ring on my finger and slip it off and hold it out to him.

‘Keep it. That wasn’t part of the pretence. I wanted you to have it for good. Something to remember this by.’

The cast-iron grip I’ve got on my emotions threatens to crumble at those words. ‘You think I’m ever going to forget this?’

He shakes his head, but comes a step closer, takes the ring out of my hand and slips it back onto my wedding finger, just like he did the first time round. His fingers hold onto mine and I can’t tear my eyes away from our joined hands, especially because I can feel he’s shaking as much as I am.

Eventually he lets go and opens his arms hesitantly, asking without words if he can give me a hug, and when I nod, he bends so he can lift me off the floor. I let out a surprised peep and wrap my arms around him, and I can feel the moment his walls disintegrate as he curls around me and buries his face in my neck.

‘I don’t want you to go.’ His lips are against my skin, days’ worth of stubble grazing in the best way possible, but his words make me feel unstable in the worst way possible.

‘I don’t want to go.’ I tighten my arms around him. ‘I’m going to miss you.’

He makes a noise that sounds like a choked-off sob and lets out a long, shuddery breath.

‘I can’t, Lu.’ He breathes into my neck. ‘Life doesn’t change in a month. You can’t hire someone to be your fake wife and then actually fall in love with her. The world doesn’t work that way.’