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He shook his head. “I always saw you. I was just too blind, Shoshanna. I can see now, and what I see is what I want.” He cupped her cheek. “I want you, and I want this to work. I want to be a father, a better one than my old man was.” He leaned in and kissed her softly, so softly it was just a brush of his lips along hers.
“I was so afraid you’d leave as soon as you heard. I thought that you would turn your back because you…”
He kissed the tip of her nose. “Because you didn’t think I wanted more from you than pussy? Because I should have been a man and not let you run. I should have told you that I wanted you, wanted to be able to hold you and call you mine.” He shook his head. “I didn’t care about anyone but myself, and didn’t appreciate what was right in front of me. I didn’t allow myself to go after you after it all went down, because I was afraid, Shoshanna.” He smiled.
She looked away, her cheeks turning pink.
“It’s okay, baby. I was all of those things and more.”
She looked a little apprehensive after he said those things.
“And you don’t think I mean any of the shit I just said?”
She pulled away, looked at her hands, and then shrugged, “I’m just afraid, Toby.”
He couldn’t blame her for the shit she had seen and heard about him, and of course he couldn’t deny any of it. “I won’t sugarcoat who I used to be, or how I have lived my life now. But with you I feel something different, something pure and good. I have since I really noticed you. It’s been my loss that it took so long for me to work the balls up to go talk to you, but then you were gone far too soon.”
He felt like a pussy for saying all this, but it needed to be said. He wanted to say it.
“Maybe this is fate ensuring that I don’t fuck this up, Shoshanna? Maybe this is the world telling me that you are right for me, and that I need to hold on and cherish you.”
She didn’t answer right away, and there was a part of him that thought maybe she had come to her senses and realized that he was worthless, and not going to be good in her life. It would serve him right to have something he wanted right at his fingertips only for her to leave him.
“Just give me a chance to show you that I won’t fuck this up, and that I can be a good guy, Shoshanna.”
She smiled, cupped his cheek with one hand, and said in a soft voice, “You are a good guy, Toby.”
He held her close, and for the next hour all they did was lie there on the hood of his car, not a light in their vicinity except for the stars above. And for the first time in his life he didn’t have to imagine a world without stars where there was only darkness to keep him sane.
He had a feeling, warmth inside of him, that said this woman right here was the only light he needed in his life.
22
One month later
They sat around the dining room table at her home. She and Toby hadn’t moved in together yet, despite the fact they had talked about it, and he wanted them to live together.
It was just all of this had gone so fast, and although she had been knocked up during a one-night stand by the town bad boy, Shoshanna wanted to go slow with the rest of this.
At least until the baby was born.
But Shoshanna was so nervous right now, because not only was she carrying Toby’s baby, but she also was sitting across from Toby’s mother, who had come to town, and her parents, who looked uncomfortable as hell. Yes, they had told each of their families about the baby today, in one go, and now the silence descended. And although
Toby’s mother had been more than ecstatic about the situation, even lit up with the idea of her moving back to Silver Springs to be closer, Shoshanna’s mother was a different subject all together. Her father just looked scared as hell, but he also looked a little fatherly as he glanced at Toby. Otherwise he was handling this far better than Shoshanna’s mother.
“Well, I don’t know what to say,” her mother said, picked up the napkin that was on her lap, and dabbed her mouth. “You’re pregnant by a man you hardly know.” She stood, gave a forced smile, and moved out of the room.
Her father went to stand, but Shoshanna stopped him with a hand on his shoulder. Toby grabbed her arm and gave her a sympathetic smile. She didn’t mention that she’d known Toby all through school, but that they just didn’t know each other, if that even made sense.
