Page 109 of Save Me

CHAPTER FIFTY-SEVEN

Someone contact one of those planes that write things in the sky–Maddox is letting me help him! While you have the pilot on the phone, can you let him also know to write HELP ME, I’M DROWNING, please and thank you. No biggie if they can’t do it all. HELP ME works great too.

I pace in the hotel room. Maddox has started with a psychiatrist and has now left to go to his first therapy appointment. I think I’m actually drowning, which isn’t possible given I’m breathing air. Stale air. The air that Maddox hates.

I pace faster.

But I’m helping this time. This time, my money feels like real help instead of just throwing things at someone so they’ll love me. I mean, he said he’d pay me back, but neither of us acknowledges that it’s just his attempt to save face.

And yet, he’s still miserable.

Fix it, fix it! You’re not good enough for him.

No. I whirl on my heel. I can’t fix it. Only Maddox can fix it, and this isn’t about being good enough. This is his battle, and I’ve done everything I can to support him. Helping him love himself in the small ways. Ordering out chicken (yuck), watching one of his childhood movies, and last night he let me give him a back rub.

It’s these quiet moments that I ponder. I want to text him back-to-back. Send him funny memes to make him laugh.

But I shouldn’t. He’s literally in a session.

I stand at the window, hands on my hips, staring outside. Same old back parking lot. Same old, same old.

From the bed, Princess yawns. It makes me want to yawn and jump out of my skin at the same time. I need something to do.

Every idea I come up with sounds lame without Maddox. I don’t want to do these things alone.

I pace again, my stomach unsettled. Can I plan something for him to come back to? Maybe draw a bath and light some candles.

I can’t get my gut to calm down. Fudge, maybe I’m the one who needs a bath. Sitting by Princess, I ignore his annoyed ear flick and pet him. Hmmm, some of the blue in his tail is coming out. Maybe I should re-dye it.

As I sit, I realize how tight my shoulders are. I try to relax them and pull in a deep breath. As I do, I notice how heavy my eyes feel and how there seems to be a fog around my mind.

When was the last time I ate? Last night?

As I think about that, my gut twists. I forgot to eat, and now I feel like crap.

How can I take care of Maddox if I feel like crap?

Internally, I beat myself up and go to get some leftovers. After eating them, I realize that I’ve been asking Maddox to do a bunch of things to love himself, but I’m literally not doing them for myself either.

Blast. What a hypocrite.

Finishing my meal, I draw myself a bath. It feels wrong to be doing this for myself and not for Maddox, but fudge, I’ll do it when he gets back, too. My bruises have started to heal, and the warm water helps my muscles relax.

During the bath, I’m able to unclench my jaw. Then, I get a text from Maddox.

MyblueM&M: It went well. I’m gonna go for a drive. I’ll be back later.

For a second, my brain stutters. He’s going somewhere without me?

I suck in a deep breath. I told him to take care of himself. He’s doing that. He’s getting out of this hotel.

Right. I jump out of the bath and get dressed. Right. This is good. This is great! Okay, he’s doing the dang thing.

I stare at myself in the mirror, my blond hair hanging over my forehead. It’s getting long.

I need to do the dang thing too, so when he gets back, I’m less jumpy.

For a minute, I stare at myself, and then an electric idea hits my mind.