Page 28 of Save Me

But when I think about bringing it up, my heart races too fast. What if he mocks me? Says he doesn’t want it? Doesn’t want that moment with me?

So when Arthur suggests we get matching tattoos, my heart swells to life again. He does care! He does want that intimacy. We get matching A and M on our hips, and for a moment, everything feels perfect again.

Then, Arthur loses Larry to a heart attack.

He comes home drunk that night, sobbing into my arms. He opens up about his dad for the first time, saying he was abusive. That night, Arthur looks up into my eyes with his glassy, tear-stained ones and says his biggest fear is becoming his dad.

I smooth his hair down and reassure him that isn’t happening. Then I make him his favorite blooming onion and some apple fritters.

I go to bed that night with a selfish sense of relief. He’s finally opened up. Things can get better.

Only, the next day, Arthur leaves without giving me a kiss and hardly texts me. Which makes me want to curl in on myself, but I don’t. I try to help by cleaning up around the house more, making sure there isn’t as much for him to do, writing him little notes in his lunch, and supporting him when he goes out to the bar on Wednesdays with his work buddies.

But after a while, I get lonely. When I try to talk about it, Arthur explodes. He talks about how busy he’s been at work and how stressed he is financially. I offer to pay more of the bills, to which he breaks down crying, saying he doesn’t want me to have to support us. I’m more than happy to support us however I can. I just want him to be happy. So I take over everything except the water and trash, which Arthur insists he can pay for.

Then comes the first letter. The late bill for the water and trash. I stare at it for a minute. I don’t make a ton now that I’ve graduated; essentially all of my paycheck is going toward bills. Arthur makes way more than I do, although I know he’s been trying to pay off his student debt. But debt comes second to bills; even Arthur knows that. And of course, drinking comes last after all of this.

So, as I stare at it, my heart races and my face gets hot.

I’m waiting for Arthur when he comes back from the bar. I’m jittery, and I considered drinking a few times, but I want to have a clear head for this. I care about our relationship, and I want to save it because I love Arthur, and I’m willing to do anything I need to fight for us.

When I hear the keys jangling on the other side of the apartment door, I straighten, heart pounding.

Arthur comes in, staring down at his phone, red-faced and laughing. When he looks up at me, he makes a kissy face with his mouth. “Hey, my love. Come here and get some lovin’.”

The mood is so off that I stiffen. He’s feeling…flirty?

It takes Arthur a second to register, then his face falls. “C’mon, babe, can we not fight tonight?”

“I’m not trying to fight.” I slide the bill across the counter, then lift my face in a small smile to try to save the mood he came in with.

Arthur barely glances at it, then puts his stuff down. Then he goes to the fridge and guzzles juice straight from the container for so long it feels like he’s ignoring me.

I feel my hackles rise, but I take a deep breath. “We’re overdue on our water bill.”

Arthur lets out a loud belch, then turns to face the counter. He looks down at the bill. “Well, would you look at that?” He scratches his torso, then moves to the living room.

For a second, I’m stunned. He’s just going to shrug it off like that?

“This is the one thing you said you’d take care of.”

“Babeeeee,” he drags out in a whiny voice. “Please, I’m fucking tired. I have work in the morning. Can we just,” he turns to face me and humps the air, “fuck and go to bed tonight?”

Something cold and lonely stabs me in the chest. He’s ignoring me. Immediately after the cold, warmth rushes in. He wants to fuck.

I take one step toward Arthur, then the bill catches my eye.

He just shrugged me off.

I pause, the warm feeling warring with the hurt that he let the bill go unpaid. “Babe,” I say slowly. “Of course I want to fuck...”

“Buuut? C’mon, don’t be such a downer,” he whines.

The whine grates on my ears and blows the warmth away like a strong wind. Is he whining? Like a child?

“This is the one thing you said you’d do.”

Arthur staggers against the couch for a second, and then he frowns. “Me?”