Page 76 of Save Me

I drop my hand, running it along his cheek and tilting his head up. His bristly cheek. Maddox looks up at me with those stunning green eyes full of the same fear I saw in him on day one, and I can’t help the way my heart aches. Why does he look like that? I don’t want him to look like that when he’s with me.

“What’s wrong?” I ask softly.

Maddox blinks and pulls his head out of my grip, going back to my pants, yanking them down where my dick has deflated to only half hard. Which is absolutely not ‘cause Maddox isn’t the hottest thing in the world, and I haven’t dreamed of this moment, but because that voice is screaming in my head. That I’m just repeating his past. Taking advantage of him. That I’m no better than Arthur if I let him do this.

My cheeks heat, but Maddox just opens his mouth, sucking the tip of my dick inside.

I’m flooded with pleasure for a single, selfish second. Maddox’s hand shakes on my thigh before it’s gone, and suddenly I lose all hardness.

“Wait, Maddox.” I try to pull back and am once again stopped by the wall. I let out a grunt of annoyance and step to the side, getting out from Maddox’s touch. Losing it feels like walking away from a fire and losing all heat, but I don’t care. I drop to my knees beside him.

Maddox grunts. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, wait, what’s wrong with you?”

He tries to grab for my dick again, but I’m totally limp.

Maddox makes a frustrated sound and ducks his head away. I see his cheeks are pink, like he’s embarrassed.

Oh fudge, he thinks I don’t want the blow job?? If I ever turn down a blow job offer from the Maddox McAllister, get me institutionalized right then and there.

I feel like I need to be committed right now, torn between what my body wants and what my mind knows is right.

“Maddox.” Gently, I touch his shoulder. “Why won’t you look at me?”

Maddox stands up, and I follow, pants around my ankles.

“You could just say you don’t want a blow job.” His voice is gruff.

“That’s not it! I do! I want it more than anything.” I wish he would just look at me! “But I care about you, Maddox, before anything else.”

Maddox closes his eyes, his whole body tense like he’s going to explode. And for a second, I wonder if he will. If he’ll yell and turn those terrified eyes on me like he’s looking at someone else.

I pull my pants up and buckle the button. If he’s going to see someone else, I don’t want him to feel like he’s going to be taken advantage of, at least sexually.

Maddox watches me out of the corner of his eye. Then, miraculously, I watch him blow out the tiniest breath. “I lost my patient today.”

“What?” I stare at him.

“I showed up, and he was just…dead.” Maddox is so still that I can tell he’s trying to hold back.

“Holy freak,” I breathe. I get the overwhelming desire to give him a hug, but I don’t know if he wants that. Which is crazy considering he just had my dick in his mouth, but somehow a hug feels too personal. So with Herculean effort, I hold myself back. “I’m sorry.”

Maddox shrugs. “He was a shit person anyway.” But he doesn’t look any less stiff. Like that wasn’t what was bothering him.

“Is that all?” I ask, my heart racing. Can I ask that? Am I pushing? Am I making him say something he doesn’t want to say?

Maddox’s head dips just slightly, and his mouth opens like he’s going to say something, but he closes it again and clears his throat.

I want so desperately to grab his hand, and my heart is fluttering in my chest. I want to hit him with a running stream of consciousness so he just tells me what it is.

“I–I’m confused.” His voice is gruff, and still, he won’t look at me.

“About what?” I ask, but I’m not worried. I’m pretty sure nothing Maddox McAllister says will make me care about him any less. Because I see him. He’s scared, but he’s good. He’s kind to every person and animal he meets, and if that isn’t a reflection of how pure his soul is, I don’t know what is.

Maddox finally opens his eyes, and when he does, he stares off into space like he isn’t really here. Like he doesn’t feel safe.

I’m not sure what to do. I have the urge to pull him into my arms, but I resist it. Maddox doesn’t want a surprise touch. Or any touch that he didn’t ask for.