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Charlotte’s mum is doing my shopping
Charlotte’s mum is buying more gin
And cake
And new knickers
Hey Charlotte was your dad’s girlfriend at the funeral? Did she say hi?
Charlotte has an ambulance on speed dial
‘It must be my neighbour who’s spreading the gossip,’ my lips tighten in spite. ‘It must be her, she’s the only one…’
‘You don't know that,’ Luke says. ‘You need to speak to Charlotte but first we need to speak to the school.’
‘We?’
He nods. ‘Ring them now, tell them we’re on our way.’
I do as told, but I get through to the snobby secretary. ‘He can see me tomorrow at nine…’ I don't want this to go on for another night, and I'm not sure if Luke will take more time away from work for another of Lucy’s messes. I wait for him to nod or shake his head but instead he takes the phone. ‘This is Charlotte Jameson’s godfather here. I've got some rather disturbing information that I'm sure the headmaster would want to be informed about, so we’re on our way now.’
‘What if they don't believe you?’ We’re pulling into the school and I look a lot better this time around, because appearances do matter apparently. Before we left I was sent upstairs by Luke to change out of my supermarket gear and put some make-up on.
I feel better for it.
I feel better and just a little stunned, when Luke turns around and smiles. ‘They’ve got no choice but to believe me, I’ve got it all on my phone. I took screen shots…’
He took pictures of it apparently; I didn’t even know that you could do that. It's like having your own private detective and not even knowing that you’d hired one. ‘You need to get with the times a bit more, Lucy.’
We go in and I'm not scared, I'm angry – furious in fact, I tell the headmaster. I tell him a few other things too – like, how dare he accuse my daughter of bullying without getting all the facts? How dare he haul my daughter into the office about something so serious without speaking with me first? Oh, I say many things. To be honest, I don't think Luke said a word, well, not till the end when he stood up and shook the red-faced headmaster’s hand. He told him that he trusted it would all be dealt with satisfactorily and that he would be keeping a very close eye on things from now on.
I did a good job with the headmaster, I really did, but there is something about a man.
Or something about this one, I think, taking a sneak peek as he drives me home.
He just deals with things.
‘I'm embarrassed,’ I admit, as we pull into my drive.
‘Don't worry about what other people think Lucy.’
‘Not about that,’ it surprises me that I actually don't care. I'm not embarrassed for me, with what they were saying, I'm just appalled for Charlotte. ‘I’m embarrassed that I had to find out from you. I don't know what's going on with my daughter.’
‘You’re dealing with a lot, Lucy. Don't waste time beating yourself up, you can't afford it. Spend that time sorting things out with Charlotte.’
‘I will.’
Adele’s, Someone Like You, is playing on the radio and her voice is so beautiful it makes me want to cry. I cry a lot to Adele actually, but I don’t cry today, I swallow tears down instead.
‘I'm sorry if you thought I was taking sides, Luke. I handled things badly.’ My cheeks burn but I force myself to go on. ‘I would never keep you away from Charlotte, you can ring her any time, come over, take her out.’
‘Thank you.’
And then, just as I think I’m starting to do well with this being a grown up lark, just when I’m patting myself on the back for handling things better, it happens.
There’s a lot of thinking done in the seconds it take for his face to move to mine. I know he’s just trying it on.
I know his opinion of me.
Just lately, I’ve changed my opinion of him.
He’s not married now is he, Lucy? No.
Jess is in Wales and she’s seeing someone else, isn’t she, Lucy? Yes.
But it would hurt her wouldn’t it, Lucy? Yes.
Would she even have to know?
And then I taste him.
For a tiny second I feel his lips on mine and it’s exactly as it is in my dreams.
I want to open my mouth to him, I want to give in and for a little while I do.
I feel the cool of his tongue as it slides over mine, I feel the warmth of his hand on my waist and he moves closer to me. He pulls me in, and I could blame it all on so many things, but I don’t want to keep making excuses…
I’m not losing my best friend for a shag and a chardonnay.
He thinks I’m a slut, I know that he does, but I’m better than that, and I would never do that to Jess. I pull my head back and I slap him as I tell him the same.
I turn and open the door to get out.
Up pops my neighbour, like a Muppet over the hedge, pretending to trim it. ‘Bloody cow,’ I mutter ready to charge over there.
‘You don't know that, Lucy,’ he grabs my coat and thankfully stops me. I take a deep breath and I can see the red marks my fingers have left on his cheek. ‘Don’t march over there all angry with her, when you’re really angry with me.
And I am angry.
Boyo, I’m angry, Jess.
‘Fuck you, Luke!’
Except I don’t.
I climb out of the car when I don't want to.
I just know that I have to.
If this is the price to feel better, to be a better woman, then I’ll pay it.
Not that anyone will know.
It's better this way though.
Harder but better.
Hard to wave at my neighbour instead of accusing.
Hard to do the breakfast dishes, when I want to lie down.
Hard to tidy up the bathroom and run a cloth over the sink.
But better.
I can face myself in the mirror.
CHAPTER FIFTY FIVE
‘I don't want to go back.’
Charlotte is lying on her bed face down. Everything's been sorted. Felicity has been suspended for five days, she won’t even be there, yet Charlotte can't stop crying and she doesn’t want to go back.
It wasn’t my neighbour who gossiped.
Charlotte told Felicity herself.
She knew her dad had a girlfriend.
I guess she needed someone to speak to.
A friend who would understand.
She just made a poor choice with Felicity.
‘I don’t want to go back.’
She says it again.
But she loved that school. Or was it me that loved it?
I honestly don’t know.
They teased her at the sleepover apparently and my heart aches for how badly I handled things that night and for all she has had to deal with. ‘You break up for half term in a couple weeks,’ I tell her. ‘Things will settle down over the holidays…’
‘I don't want to go back.’
My hand is on her shoulder but I can feel the resistance beneath. Maybe it's best just to leave it, in a couple of days she’ll come around. She has to go in tomorrow, or it's going to be a problem.
‘I don't fit in.’ She turns on her back and finally she looks at me.
‘Well, that’s not your fault,’ I tell her. ‘It’s hereditary.’ I get a glimpse of a smile. ‘We’ll work something out.’
I’m polite when Simone rings and apologises.
Cool, but polite.
I don’t sit all night wondering what Luke’s thinking.
I don’t start manically vacuuming either.
Or dash to the shops for a vat of ice cream.
I just go to bed with Adele and have a little cry.
CHAPTER FIFTY SIX
She's such a good girl.
She's up at seven the next morning, her face is all blotchy and red, but she's dressed and ready, just her hat and scarf to put on. We head out to the car and there's my neighbour and I give her a wave.
‘I know it's difficult now.’ We’re driving past the council estate. She doesn't understand how lucky she is, all the chances she's been given. I feel the black smoke rise inside. ‘If you don't go back today, then you won't go back…’
‘I've got no choice have I?’
I take a slug of water from my water bottle. Beryl is pretty pedantic about that and I always have it with me. I feel the black smoke hiss it’s protest as I douse it and I’m starting to understand what Gloria meant that night about pouring cool water.
I’m starting to know who I am a little bit more now.
I know what I want to say and I don't have to run it by anyone. I’m approaching the traffic lights and, instead of going straight ahead, I get into the right lane and turn around.
‘You do have a choice.’ I look over to her. ‘You don't have to make it now though.’
I get a takeaway breakfast, we haven’t had takeaway in ages and I think of Beryl, and I do the question thing and yes, I want it.
I’ll go for a walk tonight.
We sit in the car and eat it and for the first time since I started my job, I ring in sick, I tell them I’ve got the flu. I croak it out and it makes Charlotte smile and I don't feel guilty at all.
‘What time is it?’ Charlotte asks and I look at my phone.
‘Four minutes past nine.’
‘She’ll be doing the roll call,’ Charlotte says. ‘What shall we do?’
‘We could go home.’
But neither of us wants to.
We wander up and down the street and look in shops. It's like playing truant – she's in her school uniform, I'm in my supermarket uniform, when I usually wouldn't be seen out dead in that. We go to the chemist and try on perfume. At 10 o'clock we stop for coffee and cake and I remember this feeling, sort of bored now, because you hadn't wanted to go to school but there's really nowhere to go and I tell Charlotte that I remember.
