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‘Not all the time.’
‘Just today,’ I say.
‘We sound like a Dolly Parton song.’
He does make me smile.
He asks about my Christmas dinner and I describe it in detail and he lets me. I think he is a bit pissed. I wish I was. I wish I was a bit pissed on Christmas night with Luke.
‘I nearly did something stupid the other day,’ Luke says. ‘I was trying to work out what to get Charlotte for Christmas and with all the money from the house and the apartment and everything and I know how much she loved her pony...’
‘No!’
‘I nearly did,’ he laughs.
‘Luke, I would never have forgiven you. That pony nearly killed me…’ I’m sitting on the hall floor and I'm laughing as I remember all the shit I had to pick up and the early morning starts and the bitchy mothers.
‘Lucy, I want to ask you something. Please don't be offended, please don't take this the wrong way…’
My heart is hammering in my chest.
I don't want this; I don't want him to suggest that we get together during a Dolly Parton phone call. I don’t want a shag and a chardonnay, even though I sort of do. ‘Can I pay for her to have riding lessons?’
I'm disappointed, I'm relieved and I laugh. ‘Actually you don't have to worry about that.’ I tell him about this tiny doctor who doesn't want anyone having lessons on her horse, but she want someone to regularly ride him as she can only get there every other weekend.
We talk for a little while longer and I clear up something that’s been niggling.
‘He was right,’ I say and there’s a long pause. ‘I was cheating.’ The phone goes silent for a very long time. ‘I wasn’t cheating with someone else though, I was cheating on me.’ He’s still silent. ‘I was cheating myself out of a nice life and a good marriage and yes, I think I was starting to realise that.’
Charlotte comes out then and I say goodnight to Luke and put her on. She excitedly tells him about the puppy I got her for Christmas.
Did I forget to mention that?
Yes a dog’s for life but Charlotte will love it for life.
So will I if it ever stops piddling.
Honestly, he’s the size of a teapot and he holds as much liquid.
He drinks all the time and I’m terrified that he’s diabetic or he’s got something wrong with his kidneys. That he’ll end up on twice weekly dialysis or something.
I watch him nearly fall over as he tries to cock his leg.
God, you never stop worrying.
Charlotte’s tired when she comes off the phone and she gives Mum a kiss and then we put the puppy in the laundry and she thanks me over and over for him. She kisses him again and then I put her to bed. I love her so much and she’s coming back to me slowly. There’s an anxiety still there and maybe it always will be. She’s her mother’s daughter after all but we’re getting there, bit by bit, and I’m going to make sure that we keep on getting there.
I say night to my mum and I thank her for making the day better for Charlotte.
‘You sure you’re all right, pet?’ Mum asks, because she’s off to her friends. ‘I can stay.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say. I want to be on my own but it’s not like the last time and I can see that Mum’s not scared to leave me now.
The puppy should sleep downstairs but he's crying and scratching on the door. My strict, never allowed upstairs, doesn't even make it through the first night because later, much later, as I head to bed, I hear tears coming from a little girl’s room.
‘Fancy company?’ I knock on Charlotte’s door and go in but I give her a few seconds to wipe her eyes before I turn on her light. She misses her dad and I can’t fix that, I want to, I just can’t, but I see a grin of delight when she sees the puppy.
I set up a box but I know he’ll be on her bed the minute I’m gone.
As he should be.
I pick him up and I put him in her arms. I stroke his little ears and I’m so glad that he’ll be there for Charlotte through the nights, that she’s got someone to hold on to.
‘It’s like having a baby again,’ I say. ‘What with all the puppy milk and wees and poos…’
‘Why did you only have one?’ she asks and the absence of bile is there again. I just smile and stroke the puppy’s ears. ‘We were so happy with just you,’ I say.
‘Would you ever have another baby?’
I just look at the puppy, I’ve never really thought about it.
Okay - it’s you and I’m trying to be honest. Remember the time Luke came over and I had Daisy on my hip? Sometimes I jiggle that around a bit in my mind, sometimes I wish that she’d been mine and he’d been coming home to me.
‘If I could get one as cute as Daisy I would,’ I say, and that makes Charlotte smile.
‘You need a boyfriend first,’ Charlotte says.
Well, actually you don’t these days but I just look at her.
‘It’s too soon after dad,’ I say.
‘Do you miss him?’
Today I do, and my eyes fill up with tears and I nod and she cuddles me and I cuddle her and I feel her come back a little bit more to me.
‘I won’t be upset,’ she says, ‘if you get a boyfriend.’ She’s trying to comfort me, trying to come up with a solution, trying to fix but some things other people, even those that love you, can’t. ‘You’re so pretty…’
I lift my head and I look at her and I tell her the absolute truth. It’s taken me a lifetime to learn it but I want Charlotte to learn it now. ‘You need to feel pretty on the inside.’ I stroke the puppy’s ears again and his head nuzzles into my hand. ‘And I’m starting to…’
I give her a kiss and I close the door and I walk out and where’s her dad to tell me I handled that well?
I get that horrible shiver down my arms and I realise that he’s here.
Sometimes I feel that he’s here.
I sometimes don’t feel that he’s completely left our world.
It’s too spooky and I don’t like spooky, so I pour myself a brandy and I congratulate myself that I’ve made it through Christmas. I’ve cobbled one together, a good one even.
I log on and check her Facebook – I’m much more on top of all that now and Charlotte knows that I do it. Then I log off hers and I check mine.
Charlotte set me up on it yesterday and I’ve got about five friends but I see that there are a few friend requests.
Yolanda from the supermarket.
Some guy called Hans claiming to be my father (not really, that’s a little joke).
That sleazy estate agent that I used to shag (not the recent one – sold my house without a single flirt)
And Luke.
Which is awkward, because, well I’m friends with Jess on there but I am friends with Luke as well now.
That’s all we are.
I feel sick as I confirm him and then I feel even sicker when a message balloon pops up at the bottom of my screen.
Hi Lucy
Hi
What are you doing up?
Puppy wouldn’t sleep – he is now.
He???
Oh God, it’s started!
I thought Charlotte said it was called Holly.
It is.
That’s a girl’s name!
I know.
There’s a long pause and my fingers hover over the keyboard and then I type – She wanted a Christmas name and it was all we could come up with.
It’s a girl’s name. He types back at me.
Yeah, I type back, but the only alternative was Noel and…
I stop typing, there’s a pause, a very long pause and then a smiley face comes back to me.
So Holly it is then. I type back.
There’s another pause and I don’t know what to type and maybe neither does he.
Go to bed. Then he retypes. Meant - am going to bed – night Lucy.
Night.
I don’t change it to nite, because I’m allowed to be me now.
He’s nice to me now.
I check, and the puppy’s sleeping and Charlotte is too and I head off to bed, but I’m still thinking of Luke.
Like, really thinking!
So, before I get into bed, I get something out of the wardrobe.
Okay, I know I said never again. I know I promised it would be wrapped in newspaper and at the bottom of the bin.
I know – I have no excuse!
CHAPTER SIXTY THREE
Gloria
Eleanor has bought me a huge bunch of daffodils.
I put them in a vase as we chat and then we walk through to the lounge with them.
‘Oh!’ She sees the massive, and I mean massive, vase of daffodils that Paul bought me. ‘His is bigger.’
Actually it is!
But there are details a daughter certainly doesn’t need to know! I say something about it being spring and that you can never have too many daffodils and we get back to what we were talking about.
A little problem.
‘I don't know what to say if she asks,’ I tell Eleanor.
Charlotte is going to be Skype me in a few minutes. That's why Eleanor has brought Daisy over; it's a nice way for them to keep in touch. Well, that was the reason she brought Daisy over; except it turns out that Laura and Daniel are on sleepovers tonight. Eleanor and Noel got to thinking that, if I could have Daisy, then they could go to a hotel for a night, to resume the shag fest that their marriage now is, except Paul and I were going to go out.
Anyway, that's not the issue at the moment. Alice doesn't know what happened between Lucy and Noel and she’s ringing Charlotte to ask her to be a bridesmaid. No doubt she assumes Eleanor won’t mind taking Charlotte for her fittings and picking her up. I'm more than happy to do that - that's not the problem. I'm just worried, l tell Eleanor, that Charlotte might assume that her mum can come to the church. ‘It's so awkward,’ I tell Eleanor.
