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“Anyway, afterward, he’d talk about how much I loved what he was doing to me. And he’d tell me that one day he would let you know how much I wanted him and how hard I came for him.” There was a hitch in her voice, and the tears increased. “I fought it in my mind, but there were two times he was particularly persistent. Doing things to try and get me off. And…and it happened.”
Her knees buckled, and he tightened his hold as her tears morphed into full body-wracking sobs. Never in his life had a feeling of helplessness quite like he experienced at that moment overtaken him. Combined with gut-wrenching guilt and disdain for his own brother, and his head was fucked.
“Baby,” he said, the words sounding like they came from a dying animal.
“I’m so sorry,” Shell said around the most heart-breaking sobs he’d ever heard.
“Jesus Christ, baby, you don’t have a fucking thing to be sorry for. Not one fucking thing.” He loved her with every fiber of his being and had no clue how to take this pain from her. So he held her plastered against his chest with a grip so tight she probably couldn’t breathe. But he couldn’t let her go. All he wanted was for some of his warmth and love to bleed into her and heal her battered soul.
Slowly the sobs abated and turned to hitching breaths. “That’s why I saw a therapist. I couldn’t live with the shame and guilt of it all. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how that could happen during an act I hated. She gave me studies to read, told me it was not uncommon for a woman’s body to have a physical reaction even when being raped. Learning that helped some, but I was messed up for a long time, Copper. The day Rusty was arrested for assault was the same day I found out I was pregnant. As soon as he was convicted, I packed my bags and took off. For a while, I had some negative feelings about the pregnancy that make me want to throw up when I think about them today. Eventually, my roommate convinced me to seek help. She didn’t know anything about what had happened, but she could see I was in a dark, dangerous place.”
Every word drove the dagger deeper into his heart. “Did it help, baby?”
“Yes. After a while. I saw the therapist for almost two years. Every single session she would tell me it wasn’t my fault. Wasn’t my shame to bear. That I couldn’t blame my body for reacting in a way it was programmed to respond. Then she’d make me say it. Over and over. Until I started to believe it.
“The first time she called what happened rape, I got pissed and left the session early. I hadn’t thought of it as rape because I allowed it to happen and never fought him. The next time, she told me if I didn’t want to view myself as a rape survivor I didn’t have to, but when it came down to it, I was coerced into sexual acts I didn’t want. So it technically was a sexual assault. Anyway, Beth was born, and I fell in love with her. But as time went on, I missed home until I could barely breathe. With Rusty in prison, I thought it was safe to come back for a few years. Until Beth was older and raising her wasn’t so all-consuming.”
Rubbing a hand over her slender back, he said, “So you never planned to stay here?”
“Not long term. But I’d never imagined Rusty getting out on good behavior.”
“I should have seen who he was and what he was. Fuck! I should have protected you.” The guilt was almost unbearable. How could she stand to look at him let alone be so giving with her body and heart? She should hate him for what she endured on his behalf.
“No, Copper. Please don’t say that. Don’t make me regret telling you. You said you needed to know, so I told you, but I’ll never forgive myself if you look at me with guilt in your eyes from now on.” Her pleading voice and the desperate way she clutched fistfuls of his shirt nearly did him in. Never again would this woman know an ounce of suffering at another’s hands. He’d make sure of it with his fucking life.
“I’ll try,” he said. It was as far as he could promise at that moment. How the fuck was he supposed to keep himself from feeling guilty? Killing Rusty would go a long way toward solving that problem, but some element of guilt would always lie with him. A step toward paying back the deep debt he owed her was necessary. But he’d keep that tidbit to himself because his sweet and wonderful Shell would never see it that way.
