Page 77 of This Reckless Home

But I can't. And I won't.

So instead I stand in this hallway and let her carry a laundry basket up the stairs alone because I don't yet know how to help her without it meaning something I'm not ready to mean.

“Thanks,” she whispers, and disappears around the corner.

I stand there staring at the empty hallway, jaw tight, hating myself a little.

This is not who I am, I think. This is not who I want to be.

I just don't know yet how to be anything else right now.

“PAIN’S MY ONLY HOME” BY ZEVIA

BLOSSOM

Monday rolls around and although we’re back to the chaos of the school run, I’m starting to feel numb.

I deserve this. The space. The distance. I funded hate. Hurt people.

But my chest still feels like it's caving in every time he walks past without touching me. Every time he won't meet my eyes.

"You're being dramatic," I tell myself quietly while making breakfast for the kids. "He said he's not leaving. He just needs time."

But Dad said he'd come to my recital, too. And the next one. And the next one.

Until I stopped expecting him to show up at all.

My hands shake as I pour orange juice. Some spills on the counter.

“You okay, Miss. Blossom?” Sally asks, looking up at me with worried eyes.

I force a smile. “Just clumsy this morning, sweetheart.”

She doesn't look convinced.

Nox refuses to let me sleep alone later that night, and something inside me flickers, like a candle in the wind. Ant sleeps in the pool house with Steele. I didn't expect Steele to ask to sleep with me, not now, not after everything. Of course he wouldn't. Doesn't stop it hurting. Doesn’t make it feel any less like abandonment, even though he hasn't gone anywhere.

Then why does it hurt so much?

“You're avoiding him,” Nox whispers, arms banded tightly around me from behind as if he can stop me drifting away.

“He needs space⁠—”

“He needs you to stop punishing yourself, Petal.” His tone is tired. Worried. A little frustrated.

“I funded people who would kill him, Nox. Kill you—” My voice breaks and more tears trace a well worn path down my cheeks. “How am I supposed to⁠—”

“You made a choice you'll carry forever.” He pulls me closer until our bodies are pressed so tightly together I don’t know where he starts and I finish. “Steele knows that. But you're pulling away like you don't deserve him.”

“He's not coming back, is he?” The words slip out before I can stop them. They’re barely above a breath, but I know Nox hears them as he lets out a soft curse.

Nox's arms tighten. “He's processing, Petal. That's all.”

“What if he can't get past it?” He shouldn’t have to get past it. Shouldn’t have to be faced with someone who did something so awful. I should let him go. But I can’t. Even if I have to cling on and be so apart from him, at least he’s still here.

“Then we deal with that. But Princess—” His thumb strokes my stomach and it soothes the wasps that took up residence on Friday night when we went to get Noah and haven’t left. “You gotta stop running, baby.”

“I’m scared, Nox,” I say in a broken whisper and he turns me around so he can cup my damp cheeks in his large palms. The skin around his beautiful eyes is tight as he looks me over. “I’m scared he’s going to leave and I’ll have to watch him walk away knowing it’s because I’m not good enough. Just like my father did.”