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“Hey there, Jack. You need help?” came the greeting after just one ring. Bax had turned out to be opposite of every therapist LJ had ever encountered. Big, bearded, tatted, and with jet black hair that fell halfway down his back, the guy looked like he belonged on a bike next to LJ rather than a couch taking notes.
“Not the kind you mean, but I could use some if you have a few minutes.” Each time they had a session via FaceTime, Bax had made LJ promise to call any time day or night if he was struggling.
This fucking counted.
“Think I mighta fucked shit up with Holly.”
Instead of telling LJ that giving out relationship advice didn’t exactly fall under his job description as a PTSD therapist, he asked, “How so?”
As he stared at the gorgeous Smoky Mountains rising through the clouds, LJ spilled his guts about everything that had happened at the diner that horrible day. “I was so fucking pissed when her father led her out of the diner. I shut her out. After she called and texted a few times, I blocked her number. Told our mutual friends not to mention her. And apparently, I’ve been a miserable fuck all week.”
With a chuckle, Bax said, “Happens to the best of us, man.”
“Had a visit from my club’s president today. He said something I haven’t been able to shake from my head.”
“What’s that?” A rustle of paper sounded in the background, similar to the sound that accompanied Bax flipping open a new page in his notebook. The guy was nothing if not a goddammed note-taker.
“Said I needed to stop sabotaging myself.”
“Huh,” Bax said. “And what—”
“Fuck, if you ask ‘what that makes me feel,’ I’m gonna lose my shit.”
With a laugh, Bax said, “Have I asked you that once? Come on, buddy, think you know me better by now. I make it a point to never ask that question. I was gonna say what do you think he meant by that?”
LJ fell quiet, and as usual, Bax waited without prodding him along. The therapist always gave LJ the time he needed to formulate his thoughts. “Dunno,” he said. “I’ve been out riding for an hour trying to come up with an answer.”
“Mind if I take a stab at it?”
“Called you for a reason, didn’t I?”
Bax grunted. The man really would fit in with LJ’s brothers. “We’ve only been at this a short while, but we’ve crammed a lot of sessions in that time. You’re doing well, LJ. Progressing. Digging through issues I know you’d rather peel your own skin off than examine. All for Holly. All for a chance at a life with her. A chance to sleep next to your woman at night.”
“And?” None of this was new information. Somehow, LJ managed to keep his voice level though the mention of Holly’s name and the image of himself wrapped around her all night had his heart squeezing with pain. Fuck, he missed her.
“And every inch of progress means you’re closer to that reality. Which is scary as shit, especially given what happened the one time you fell asleep with her. You’re running scared, and it’s understandable and not at all unexpected.”
A hawk flew overhead. The ultimate symbol of freedom. A feeling LJ only came close to capturing when he was on his bike. Or when he was inside Holly, watching her spiral into ecstasy. “But I want it. I want her and I want to be able to fucking sleep with her. It’s all I can think about. Why would I purposefully fuck that up?”
“It’s not purposeful,” Bax said. “Not intentional, or even conscious. Think of it like a defense mechanism of your subconscious. Your mind is trying to protect itself from the very real anxiety and very real risk you’ll soon have to take the next time you try to sleep with Holly. If she’s not there, if you run from her, you don’t have to take that risk. And there’s no chance of failure.”
And that, right there, hit the nail straight into the heart of the issue LJ hadn’t even realized was an issue. But now it crashed down on him like that brick fireplace he’d torn apart. “Shit, Bax, what if I go through all this, what if I fucking spill my guts out to you for months and work on fixing all this shit only to hurt her one night? Isn’t it better to let her go now than to give her hope and destroy us both later?”
“It’s always a possibility, Jack.”
“Well, fucking thanks. That’s just what I needed to hear, asshole.”
Not once had Bax seemed offended when LJ mouthed off to him. This time was no different. The other man just laughed and said, “Told you when we started this, I wouldn’t blow smoke up your skirt, man. Gonna give it to you real. Now, by the time you and I both think you’re ready to try again, the possibility of something happening will be minuscule. I can promise you that. You’re making progress. You’ll start having fewer and fewer nightmares. I’ve seen it many times.”
