Page 87 of Rescuing Mary

What he doesn’t know is that it’s all a lie. I’m a fraud. I’m not strong at all. If I was, I’d tell him that I love him. That I want him to be with me for me, not because I needed his fucking insurance. But I don’t say a word. I lie awake most of the night memorizing the feel of him next to me because I know when this is all said and done, and I’m better (God, please let me get better!), I’m gonna lose him.

* * *

Truck remembered sleeping with her like that. Remembered the helplessness he felt of not being able to do anything for her. Hating how much pain she was in. Hating that sometimes even the breeze from the ceiling fan on her chest was too much for her to take. Mary was so fucking strong. He couldn’t even fathom how she’d made it through.

But seeing the words “I love him” in black and white, again, made him more determined than ever to make her believe that she was beautiful inside and out.

She loved him.

Mary fucking loved him.

Truck smiled.

* * *

It’s been a while since I’ve written in here. Things are…weird.

The doctor told me my cancer is gone (yeah, like I’ll believe that. I’ve heard it before).

I’m still with Truck, have basically moved in.

But Truck’s friends found out we’re married. And they weren’t happy. They were pissed he kept it from them, because they don’t keep secrets from each other. I’m afraid Truck is gonna tell me to go home, that we should get a divorce, but so far he hasn’t.

But worse than that, Rayne hates me. I can’t blame her, really. We promised to get married together, and I went behind her back and did the deed without her. Of course, the promise was bullshit. We were both drunk when we made it, but still. I know Rayne, and I know she had dreams of me marrying Truck and her marrying Ghost in a double wedding ceremony, and learning that I’m already married killed those dreams. I killed her fucking dreams.

Many times, I’ve thought about how everyone would be much happier if I wasn’t around.

If I hadn’t married Truck and gotten the treatment, they might’ve mourned me, but Rayne would be married, Truck might’ve found someone who was less annoying than me, and the others wouldn’t all be fighting.

God. This sucks.

* * *

Mary and Rayne had a pact to get married together? The guys were fighting because he’d married Mary and hadn’t told them? He couldn’t imagine why he didn’t tell his best friends about it…unless he was protecting Mary. Yeah, he could see himself not wanting to make her feel awkward around the others.

But he didn’t believe for one second that any of the women, or his friends, would be happier without her around. That was bullshit. She’d better not still believe that.

* * *

Things still suck. At least Annie is still talking to me. We’re practicing our sign language together. She’s so fucking cute. Says she’s gonna marry Frankie, the deaf kid she met who lives out in California. They “talk” over the Internet all the time.

I miss my best friend.

Truck seems to have patched things up with his friends, thank God, but Rayne still hates me. I don’t know how Harley feels, but since she’s super close to Rayne, she probably does too. Kassie is about to give birth. Emily is not far behind her (and she’s having a boy! One of the nurses I got to know in the hospital spilled the beans to me. I promised not to tell, but it’s been hilarious telling Emily that I just “know” she’s having a boy because Annie wants a brother. She’s going to be so happy).

I don’t really even know Casey or Wendy that well, which sucks because they seem to be really nice. Rayne’s brother is now with a woman named Sadie. Truck’s talked about how hilarious Bryn is, Fish’s wife, but again, I wouldn’t know because I’m not in the inner circle anymore.

Truck is…Truck. He’s so nice to me and now that I’m not sick anymore, sleeping next to him is akin to torture. Right before he comes to bed, I steal his pillow so I can smell him on it all night. He doesn’t know though. He always smells so good.

Oh, and…I miss sex. It’s silly. I mean, I was sick for so long, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting it again. But one night when Truck was at work, I masturbated. I climaxed so hard, because I was thinking of Truck’s big hands on my body. How his tongue would feel eating me out.

I’m so pathetic. But, man…now that I’ve started thinking about it, I can’t stop.

* * *

Truck swallowed and felt his dick twitch in his pants. Reading about Mary wanting sex, and masturbating, was so damn sexy, he almost couldn’t stand it.

He had no idea how old the journal entries were though. They might be years old, or they might have been written shortly before that last mission when he got hurt. Truck had no idea since they weren’t dated. He was glad he and his friends had patched things up, but it sucked that Mary had still felt ostracized. Obviously they’d made up, because Rayne was in constant contact with Mary now, but he hated that they’d had a falling out in the first place, especially since it centered around their marriage.