Page 46 of Blue Moon

I blinked back tears. To think that I was about to lose my virginity to this man, and he had a backup waiting in his room. I was such a fool. I just wanted to go home.

But then I looked at him again. And although I was the one who had just been humiliated, he was the one who looked broken. It wasn’t like he’d cheated on me. I needed to hear him out.

“Fine, speak.”

“Sol, I’ve never lied about who I am. I’m a womanizer. Like Veronica said, I have a woman in every city. When I come back to each city, sometimes I see the same woman again. I saw Veronica last year. She’d texted me the other night after I met you, and I told her that I didn’t want to see her. But she came anyway. I really had no idea she would show up. I’m sorry. It was just sex. I never cared about her.”

“I don’t even know how you can say that. I mean, I hear you, but how could you not care about someone you sleep with?”

“I just don’t. Sex is sex. It’s relief, a good time, a high. It’s never meant anything to me.”

My throat tightened. I was disgusted by his words, but I appreciated his honesty.

But my pain provided clarity. “I want to apologize for continually leading you on. This was a wake-up call for me as well. I guess I don’t have to be in love to have sex, but I really want it to mean something, not just to me, but to both of us.”

He nodded then and walked over and hugged me. I accepted his embrace and felt comforted by him despite my anguish. What was I doing with him? Could a man really change? Someone who was that much of a womanizer couldn’t possibly be faithful to one woman, could he? And Veronica seemed uninhibited—I doubted he could ever be satisfied by an innocent virgin like me.

“Sol, it would mean something. I’ve never known anyone like you. Any other woman would be flipping out right now. You aren’t yelling at me or blaming me. I don’t deserve you.”

I led him over to the bed and sat down next to him. We needed to talk.

“I’m not mad at you. Or hurt even. You didn’t betray me. We only met a week ago. You’ve been nothing but respectful and patient with me. But I need to be honest, too. I think the way you view sex and intimacy is sad. I know I don’t have a clue what I’m talking about because I’m a virgin, but I really think you should genuinely care about the person you have sex with. It just has to make it better.”

He stroked my cheek and gave me a sweet kiss on my lips. “That sounds great, but my lifestyle makes it hard to have a serious relationship.”

I rolled my eyes. “That’s not true. Your friend Beck has had two committed relationships. You choose to have meaningless sex. Why?”

“Because it feels good.”

I was getting nowhere. “Well, I’m not equipped to diagnose you, but I can tell you one thing for sure—your attitude about sex isn’t healthy. Can I ask you a question?”

He exhaled. “Shoot.”

“Tell me about your past.”

He moved a bit farther away from me. He did not like talking about himself.

“Nothing to tell. My mom was a single mom; I didn’t see her much. Don’t even know who my father is. My mom left me alone and with random people all the time. I saw Top Gun as a kid and wanted to be a pilot, so I studied hard in school and got into the Naval Academy.”

“And?”

He tilted his head and swallowed hard. “And that’s it. I graduated top of my class, joined the Marine Corps and then went to fighter school.”

He was so detached; his words filled me with sadness. More importantly, he was holding something back from me, but I wasn’t going to push. “Do you still see your mom?”

“No, and I don’t care to. She wasn’t there for me, so I don’t feel the need to be there for her.”

“And that’s it? Have you ever had a serious girlfriend?”

“No. Sometimes, I’ve seen girls more than once, but I’ve never been in a relationship. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone else but myself.”

My turn to exhale. Because you don’t know how to love or be loved. Those psychology classes I’d taken toward my degree were really coming in handy. My heart broke for him.

“What do you want from me? Why did you invite me to Seattle? Tell me the truth, Sawyer. Was it just because I’m a challenge? A virgin?”

He shook his head. “No. It wasn’t just that. I like you, Sol, I really do. You’re beautiful, of course, but you’re also so sweet and kind. And I like that you stand up to me. I don’t really know what I’m doing or where this can go, but I like being around you. This is going to sound cheesy as fuck, but I want to try to be the man you think I am.”

A smile returned to my face. “You are that man. I believe in you. I care about you.”

He pulled me to him and pressed his body against mine. Our lips met, and I got lost in our kisses. If Sawyer could actually enjoy our innocent intimacy that didn’t involve sex, maybe he could genuinely emotionally connect with me. Though I was a virgin, it was quite possible I knew more about love than Sawyer did.