Page 107 of All The Ways to Miss You

“He kicked you out for a booty call?” She laughs, and my insides flip at the sight of her cheeks. A real smile.

“Not quite. I texted you, but when you didn’t answer, I thought I could sneak in and crash on the couch without waking you. Sorry. I can stay at a hotel.”

Tell me to leave. Tell me to get out of here.

“No, of course not. I’ll go. It’s your place.” She picks up her bag, and I react.

“Stay.” I place a hand on her arm, and a million goose bumps spread over her beautiful skin from our point of contact.

“Um, okay.” She pauses, looking thoughtful. “Listen, I’ve been wrong to throw myself at you. It wasn’t fair. Obviously, it’s not something I normally do. It’s not something I’ve ever done.”

Inside, I want her to know the truth. You have done it before. You remember, and you don’t even realize it. You’re coming back to me.

“You seem to be pretty damn good at it,” I joke. I need to make her comfortable, assure her it’s okay.

“Except for the part where I was denied—twice.” She laughs.

“I didn’t. I mean, I did.” This is the part that’s hard. Explaining why I’ve made the choices I have. Since she returned, I tried to do right by her and give her a new beginning without allowing our past to color it.

“Even though we do what we do,” I pause, “you don’t know anything about me. I have a past.” We have one together.

“I guess that’s the whole point of a hookup. We don’t need to know much about each other. One night we’re lovers, the next back to doing what we do.”

At this, I tell her what I’ve wanted to. I tell her the truth, even if it’s the tiniest sliver of the entire picture.

“The truth is, Cait, I do want you. Very badly.”

There’s a tension-filled pause. Her eyes widen and lock on mine.

“So take me,” she whispers.

My heart completely stops. I freeze for a moment, and I do something I don’t want to. I decide right here we can be together for tonight. It can’t reach beyond this. What’s between us can never grow into more because I don’t want to lie to her further. If we shared a life together in the present, I could never keep the truth from her. And if she learned the truth, she would hate me.

There are so many years between what we were and are now; I don’t want to break her heart. After tonight, I’ll be that nobody she hooked up with once who lives in her building. She’ll never know more. After tonight, she can move on like nothing’s happened. I can’t say I’ll do the same, but at least I’ll have the chance to say good-bye. This could be the closure I’ve needed, one last time to be near her, and know it’s finally over.

“One night. That’s all it can be. The other thing I said was true. Even if I want more, I can’t. It’ll only be tonight,” I lay out my offer.

“One night,” she says.

I step forward to do the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. I lift my hand and trace a finger over her skin. She trembles beneath my touch.

My hands, soft on her skin, rediscover all the sensitive spots I remember from before. I take my time. And when she tells me she’s sure, I close my lips over her skin, her mouth, and her body. My hands slide and find familiar ridges in her back. My breathing quickens as I take all of her, and I kiss her like someone who’s been given a second chance at life, a second chance to live.

I make love to her.

Even if Cait doesn’t remember me, her body does. She moves with me, even without being prompted. Her hips join with mine like a magnetic twin before I command it. Deep down, she knows how perfect we can be. It’s in our every movement.

I make our connection last, treating her like no time has passed. I want her to know how much she’s loved, how much she’s been loved and also missed. Over the course of the night, I want to share what I can of our three years’ worth of memories and imbue it into each and every kiss, every touch and shiver. I want the memories to pour out of me and into her in the form of love. They’re forever seared into my mind, and I want to believe they’re still hidden in hers too. After she leaves here tonight, I want her to have a little bit of the old us in her future.

I love you, Cait. I repeat the words in my mind, wanting to will them into her body and make her understand. I do it until she’s standing at my front door, and I kiss her for the very last time.

fifty-one

Perfect timing. Lou. The friend Cait’s passing off as an ex-boyfriend. At first, I asked if he was her boyfriend as a joke, but when she outright lied, I played along to see how far she would take it. It’s like she subconsciously knew it would kill me.

The first time I saw them together, I had a heart attack. And when he kissed her on the cheek, I saw red. Thankfully, Linden got me up to speed. That should be enough to settle my shit, but seeing her with any guy twists my heart. Maybe I’m jealous of any person who’s lucky enough to orbit her world, or maybe he represents what I’ll never be.

At the sight of him, I slam the door and head straight for my bedroom. I drag a duffel bag from the closet and toss it on the bed. It’s not long before I’m packed and hurrying outside. Shelby will be pissed when she finds out, but I need to get the fuck out of town.