Page 111 of All The Ways to Miss You

It doesn’t matter. I still might suffocate with the weight of the room and its contents closing in on me.

“I want to explain. There’s so much . . .” His voice is low and unsure. He stops and seems to try again. “There’s nothing I can say that will make this right. There’s no excuse. I made a lot of terrible decisions when it came to us.”

“Us?” My brows knit. My throat constricts and my chest tightens into knots. The room seems to quake and tilt. I reach for the bookcase to steady myself.

“Yes. There was an us—before it happened.”

Questions and emotions swarm from every direction. Chaos. Confusion. Conflict. I feel like I’m cartwheeling, hunting for answers, but the backlash of shock is too disorienting. I’m unable to grasp one complete thought before another shoves it away to make room for yet another. The room spins.

“Cait? Maybe you should sit down.” Worry crosses his face, and he steps close again.

“Don’t come near me.” I hold out my hand, forming a wall as rigid as my words.

What must I look like? I’m crazed, my arms are shaking, and sweat is coating my palms and face. I wheeze, gasping for breath, and hold my chest. In these precarious cases with the onset of a panic attack, I always hid in my apartment. For months, it’s been my place of solace and safety, but with Evan in the same building, it’s too exposed. He’s too close.

I look up and find he’s an arm’s length away.

“Cait. Are you okay? Breathe.” His voice carries concern.

When he touches my arm, I yank it away. Glancing over his shoulder, I see a way out. He’s left a void at the door, a getaway, and that’s exactly what I need to do—get away.

I dodge him and rush out of the bedroom, his apartment, through the lobby, and ram my shoulder into the building’s front door, shoving it open. I burst into the cold air of the city, only pausing when I reach the sidewalk. My lack of air demands attention. I lift my chest, forcing ragged breaths in and out with silvery clouds. A chilled metal light post keeps me upright. A couple pass by, looking at me with confusion. Their leashed dog barks. In a tug of war, they drag it away.

“Cait.”

I whip my head around to Evan’s voice. He stands at the top of the stoop, staring down at me. He digs his hands into the pockets and rocks back on his heels, his face stricken with remorse.

“Why?” I yell, overwhelmed with helpless rage. I crumple when the deception of this entire year hits me all at once. I pace the sidewalk, sobbing, and shake out my hands to release the anger welling up from my stomach and shooting through my shattering heart.

“Just come inside so we can talk.”

“You lied to me!” Furious, I can’t find another thing to say. He’s broken the trust I only handed over to him last night. I stumble in the direction of a safe place, which is anywhere but here.

This time, Evan doesn’t follow. A few blocks away, when he’s out of sight, I lean against a wall and slip my cell out of my pocket. With trembling fingers, I speed-dial Aggie. She picks up on the first ring.

“Aggie,” I sob into the phone.

“Cait?”

I pinch my eyes shut, relieved to hear her voice.

“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Help. Me.” My words tremble. The trails of my tears burn from the cold breeze. With no coat, I huddle closer to the wall and wrap my stomach with my free arm. The clouds darken above me.

“I’ll be right there. Where are you?”

I look around, knowing where I am, but I can’t articulate the words. They wheeze from me in a whisper. “I need you.”

“I’m coming, sweetie.” Through the phone, I hear the sound of keys jangling, a door slamming, and footfalls on an echoing staircase.

“Focus on one thing. Are you home? Outside? Is there a restaurant near you? A road sign? Read it to me.”

Through blurred vision, I make out one word and stutter, “M-moons.”

“Mr. Moon’s. I’m on my way.”

I’m not sure how long it takes, but when Aggie pops out of a taxi to grab me, I’m sitting on a park bench huddled in a shivering ball. She hooks an arm beneath my elbow and guides me to my feet. I’m mumbling random words, trying to explain.