Page 43 of Anarchy Missing

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN - CASE

I make her come. And just that alone is enough to push me over the edge. I press her back into the stone wall, my hands hot with the fire that lives inside me. I’m gripping the backs of her thighs so hard I know I’m leaving bruises.

“Yes,” I say, as I collapse against her, my breath coming out in long streams of steam into the cold night air.

She goes limp and I carry her back over to the bench, sitting down with her in my lap, wrapping my coat around her shoulders as much as I can to try to keep the chill away.

We sit there like that for many minutes. And I realize that the pain… the pain in my body is gone. Not subdued, but gone.

“Thank you,” I say, whispering into her ear.

“For what?” she asks, her lips playing with the stubble on my jaw.

“For making me feel normal again.”

She sighs heavily but makes no move to get up.

“Sorry about your dress,” I say. “I’ll buy you a new one.”

“No one cares about the dress, Case,” she says back. Her hands slip deep inside my coat, sliding around my waist until they rest on the small of my back. She drops her head on my shoulder like the only thing on her mind is sleep. “Take me home with you,” she whispers, her voice groggy and low.

I’m about to say, You might as well just move in with me now, because I’m never letting you out of my sight again, when I realize… I can’t take her home.

Even if the sex is a cure for the pain that lives inside me, I can’t fuck her twenty-four hours a day. It will come back. And when it does, I will need the deep cuts to rein it in again.

“I have to work tonight,” I say.

“Oh.” Her response is sad. It makes me sad too.

“But I can see you tomorrow. I can take the whole day off, Lulu. We can spend the whole day together doing anything you want.”

“OK,” she says, sitting up a little and looking down at her clothes. Her bra is hanging open, the front of her dress nothing but popped buttons and frayed fabric.

“Where did you park?” I ask. “I’ll walk you to your car.”

She gives me a small smile. “I’m just right out front. So the walk won’t be long enough to make me happy.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, meaning it. “I want to take you home, I swear to God, I really do. I just can’t tonight.”

But I realize… I might not ever be able to take her home. Not while I’m like this. Not while I’m so fucked up I have to stand naked out on my roof every night and cut myself with a knife to make the heat and the pain go away.

“You’re so warm,” Lulu says. “I just want to stay here in your lap forever.”

I sigh. Heavily. “Me too,” I say. “I would love nothing more than to keep us in this moment.”

“Do you have time to come over for a little bit?” she asks. “I can make you dinner. We can talk. Catch up. I have so many things I need to know about you.”

“I can’t,” I say. And I really can’t. I can already feel the pain building inside me again. Sex has no chance of changing me back to who I was. It will never be enough. It will never match the relief the knife brings. It’s getting late, the sun is long gone, and pretty soon I’ll need to take care of it. It drives me crazy when I don’t take care of it.

She gets to her feet, pulling her coat tight around her body to hide her ripped bra and dress, and cinching it closed with a belt.

“But tomorrow, Lulu,” I say, trying to make it better. Desperate to make it better. I don’t want her walking away tonight feeling rejected. “Tomorrow, if you can, I’d like to see you again.”

“I have to work,” she says, sad. “But I’ll see what I can do.”

I stand up too, tucking my dick back into my pants and putting myself back together.

She’s right about the walk to her car. It’s parked just out front and these last few seconds aren’t enough to take away the sting of sadness she’s feeling right now.

I stop her, press her up against the cold metal of her door and kiss her. Her lips feel cool against my burning heat and there’s no way she doesn’t feel it.

She pulls back, looking at my face with a mixture of confusion and disbelief. Her fingers reach for me, about to touch my lips and confirm what I don’t want her to know. But I grab her hand and place it over my heart. “I still love you. I never stopped loving you.”

She smiles, sadly, then opens her door and slides into the seat. “See you tomorrow, Case.” She pulls her door closed, starts her car, gives me one last wave goodbye, and then drives off.

I need to fix this. I need to figure out what’s wrong with me and fix this. She can’t get away again.

It’s just dreams though. Fantasy. Because there’s really only one thing I can do right now… and that’s go home and start cutting.