Page 57 of Turning Back

So there you go. That’s where I’m at.

The us.

I can have Bric, or Bric and Quin, but not Quin alone.

These are the new rules, I guess.

It’s just another game to them.

That’s all it’s ever been—a game.

“I have something for you,” Chella says, bringing me out of my horrible realization. “If you let me drop you off at home, I can swing by my house and get it on the way.”

“Sure,” I say. I wait patiently as she does a little business, then we get in her car and drive over to the Little Raven house. Adley fell asleep in her seat, so I wait in her car. A few minutes later she comes back with a box I know very well.

“Here,” Chella says, handing it to me as she gets back in the car. “I can’t keep it. Not after reading what Quin wrote to you in there.”

I take the lid off the box and unwrap the book. It feels heavy in my hands. It feels right. Perfect. I open it up and read the inscription.

Dear Rochelle,

Mistakes are measured in wasted time

Falling to your knees, asking for another chance

Longing’s just an aching mind

Giving in to circumstance

The future is closer than your past

And loving you is not a crime

So if you don’t want to turn back

We can handle the aftermath.

Love,

Quin

The book is filled with inscriptions, but not all of them are from Quin. It’s like this book has been passed around between lovers for decades. And each time it changed hands, the person giving it away wrote something about their longing.

Quin wrote in this book a lot over the time we spent together. Every now and then he’d see it in my closet, or on my shelf, or my bedside table because I was reading it. But I’ve never seen this poem before.

“Thank you,” I say as Chella smiles at me. But God, my heart hurts for him. He must have written this while I was gone. I hold it to my chest and sigh.

“I know it means a lot to you, so I need to give it back. And don’t try to pay me for it. I don’t need the money.”

“Thank you so much,” I repeat. “I just wanted to sell it. It was a way to start the process of leaving, you know? And you’re right. Those words Quin wrote to me…” I close my eyes. Feeling heavy with dissatisfaction. “I knew there was no way out of the game if I didn’t leave. And if I kept these words, held on to them, well, I’d never have the nerve to leave him behind. It made me feel desperate back then. Desperate to cling to what little we had. And selling this book gave me strength. Getting rid of it got rid of my longing, you know? Or so I thought.” I sigh, looking down at my book. “It’s not gone though, Chella. My longing is as strong as ever. It scares me,” I say. “I don’t trust people easily. I trust you because you don’t need anything from me. But—

“But you think Bric and Quin need you for the game.”

“Yes,” I say. I take a deep breath and let it out. “I’m gonna get hurt. I’m falling for it again, Chella, and it’s not good.”

“Hey,” she says, placing a hand on my arm. “It’s going to work out, Rochelle. I know it is.”

But I’m not so sure about that. Bric isn’t the man I thought he was. He can’t be that selfish asshole and be so sweet to my daughter at the same time. Unless he’s only doing it because he thinks she’s really his?