Page 50 of Wasted Lust

He ignores my question until we exit the mansion and head back towards the car. “Forget Julian. He’s never been entirely sane. Let’s get out of here. I had no idea she set this up.”

I sigh as I climb back into the car. So tired. So ready to just go home and sleep in my bed and try to forget this day ever happened. Everything about it was bad.

Well, I think as Jax climbs into the car on the other side of me, maybe not everything. I know I should be fuming at Jax, but the comfort I felt in his arms earlier… that was unexpected. It was nice, actually. And the sex was amazing.

I’ve always tried to find the good in the bad. Even back when I was a kid, I was known for making the best of things. Knock me down, I get up. That’s how it’s always been.

So I make Jax the reason I get back up tonight.

I want more of that. But I need to figure out what his role is in all this before I let him touch me again. I can’t afford to lose myself to lust.

I have a bad feeling I fucked up.

Madeline, Julian. The empty estate. I shouldn’t have given in to Madeline’s demands to meet Sasha tonight. I should’ve waited until the house was full. Even one child in there would’ve been better than none.

How will Sasha trust me when everything she saw tonight pointed to Company? And I have to admit, looking at it with Sasha’s eyes, that’s exactly how it appears. She has no idea what Madeline has been doing all these years.

Fucked. Up.

“So,” Sasha says as the car pulls away to begin the hour-long drive back to the airport. “Did you find me some underwear?”

My laugh bursts out. I look over at this girl who surprises me at every turn. She is brave and smart. She is funny and real. She is the only woman I’ve ever been obsessed with. “I didn’t,” I say, controlling my smile as best I can. “My mission was a complete failure.”

She stares at me, and then scoots closer, wrapping her hands around my bicep. She leans her head on my shoulder and I have the purest moment of happiness because of this small gesture. “Well, Agent Jax, that’s OK. I only put them on to impress you. I’m a commando girl.”

I smile into the darkness of the car’s backseat.

“And I’m sorry I was such a childish bitch back there, but that woman… she’s bad.”

“Why do you think that? This is not the general consensus, Sasha. And I’m not saying you’re wrong, I just need to understand where that impression comes from.”

Sasha shrugs against my coat. God, I love this moment. I love having her trust me. Cling to me. “The estate and grounds remind me of the house in Santa Barbara. The one where all those Company people died because I brought a legion of fucked-up people there to get revenge. The one where Nick made me leave without him. Get on that boat with Merc and James and Harper and never look back.”

I know she warned me about talking about this stuff earlier, but I can’t help it. I need to know everything about her and if she’s in a chatty mood I’m not gonna pass this chance up. “He was your promise, wasn’t he?”

“He was,” she sighs. And then she’s silent. This goes on for so long I start wondering if she’s asleep. But then she says, “I know it’s stupid. I mean, I get that. I’ve had ten years to come to the realization that having an arranged marriage is not the ideal. But it’s all I knew. He started coming around when I was almost eleven and he was fifteen—”

“Why?” The peaceful moment I was just having is gone. Nick, man, he does that to me. And the last thing I want to talk about with Sasha is that asshole. But I promised her. I told her I’d show her what I had. So this reveal is gonna come crashing down sooner or later. Might as well get it over with.

“My father was an arms dealer for the Company. He used to be an assassin trainer too. Which is why I was trained to kill as a small child when my place in the Company was supposed to be like any other girl’s. Brainwashing, torture, and servitude. But he changed my future by teaching me to kill. It kept me alive, it made me brave, and it got me through.”

“So Nick was there to buy guns and he decided he wanted to marry you when you were ten?”

“No.” She laughs. “No. He was chosen for me by… his father, I guess. And my father too, since it takes two to make a deal.”

The word deal hangs in the air. As many times as I’ve heard about the deals, it has never become normal. No amount of conditioning will ever make me think that bartering your daughters off in the name of global corruption is normal.

“So Nick was coming around for about a year and we became friends.”

“So he was sixteen and you were going on twelve.”

“Yeah, I guess so. That’s when he told me the Company was in trouble. My father was in trouble. And Nick was my promise.”

“Did it make you happy? To have him as a promise.” I dread the answer, but I already know what she’ll say.

“God, I don’t even have words. I felt like the most special girl in the world. The Admiral chose me to marry his son. Back then, I didn’t know what they did with the mothers who refused to obey the Company brainwashing. James told me they kill them when I was thirteen. Just before we brought the whole thing down. ”

“And what did you think of Nick? Did you think he’d save your daughters from the fate you barely escaped? That you’d never be bound by those same rules if you just kept fighting?”