Page 56 of Total Exposure

Rolling waves of ribbon lace

and lights above me on the stage.

And then the nothing.

The great big nothing

as you walk away and try your best

to burn the joy you’ll never know

like a brand on your mind

echoing like a cheer

to the fear

of being everything you will ever be

at the age of eight.

I am just a number.

That’s why I’m here.

Take that, stranger. Mr. X. Whoever you are. You want something from me? You want words that have meaning? There they are.

I get up, clutching the notebook with both hands, leaving the pen behind like a murder weapon, and take it to the kitchen.

Stare at it.

Change my mind sixteen or eighty-three times.

Then feel the heat of anger well up inside me and turn my back on it.

On all of it.

I go upstairs—and not because he told me to, either. I go because this day is over now and I’m tired. So fucking exhausted, climbing up to the master bedroom on the third floor almost wipes me out.

I left the house today, I remind myself as I make it to the top and stand in front of the closed double doors. It was only the backyard, but I left. And yesterday I was hedging my bets on even staying here at all.

I count that as a win as I reach for the doorknobs and push the door in.

The nightlight is on next to the bed. Moon glow dances across the ceiling in fuzzy approximations of stars.

I let out a breath, feeling a sense of calm and relief that I haven’t felt in… I have no idea. Decades, I think.

And it strikes me as so strange—that being up here in some other couple’s bedroom, being virtually stalked by a stranger who has very unorthodox ideas of what his job is here, is calming.

How is that possible? How does it even make sense?

That’s when I see the note on the pillow.

I walk over and pick it up. The paper is different this time. Thicker. Special. But the handwriting is the same sharp printing, and my name is the same, and the little e decoration underneath.

I look up at the nearest camera. “Why are you doing this?”

When he doesn’t answer, I look around for an intercom and find it behind one of the double doors.