Page 7 of Total Exposure

God, that’s a loaded question. “He has a very specific skillset. Something this job requires. And not many others would take the job. It’s kinda fucking weird.”

Chella laughs. “Everything you do is weird, Jordan. So what the fuck is going on?”

“I swear to God, it’s not sex!” I laugh. “It’s weird because… well the woman involved is weird, and her problem is weird, and of course, there’s the whole privacy thing. She’s sorta… famous. Used to be, anyway. And I need someone who can keep a secret. Not blab their fucking traps off to the media and shit, ya know?”

“And Ixion, the drifting troublemaker, is your man?” She’s still laughing.

“Believe it or not, yes. He is.” I sigh again. “He’s kept a secret of mine for a long time now.”

“You,” she says, one eyebrow raised, “have a secret?”

I nod. Swallow down that memory. “Yeah. Never said a word. I would’ve been…” But I can’t even say it. So instead I say, “I would’ve been in a lot of trouble otherwise. He kinda saved my ass.”

“But he doesn’t talk to you now?”

“Not much. No.” Not ever is the more appropriate answer. “But I wouldn’t mind changing that.”

“And this is an excuse to bring him back into your life?”

“Not like that, Chella. I don’t want to fuck the guy. I just… we were friends, ya know? And… and I wish we still were. Plus, there was this other person involved and I miss her.”

“He’s with her? This woman you miss?”

“No,” I say, frustrated at trying to put all this shit into words. “No, forget about her. I just want him.”

Chella smiles and leans back into the couch cushions. “Well, then what else is there to discuss? The request is legitimate. You have the right man for the job. And you get to help someone and make up for past mistakes with an old friend. I say do it.”

Relief rushes through me.

“But you didn’t need my advice, did you?” She pauses to see if I’ll cop to what she’s insinuating. But I don’t, so she goes on. “You just wanted someone to agree with the decision you already made. Regardless of the potential fallout, you want to do this, don’t you?”

I nod. “I do.”

“Mostly for Ixion, right?”

I nod again. “That’s right.”

“Then why are you so nervous about it?”

Why indeed. But I know why. “Because moments can change your life.”

“And you think this might be one of them?”

“I dunno, Chella. I just want this, right? I want to make things right between us, but it could go the other way.”

“And then you lose what you’ve already lost.”

I huff out a laugh. “Yeah, I guess that’s the bottom line. I lost a lot in that… incident between Ix and me. And I don’t want to make it worse.”

“Hmm,” she says. “OK. I get it. But making decisions based on fear isn’t normally part of your modus operandi, Jordan. And as someone who did make decisions based on fear before I took that leap of faith that night you fucked Lucinda on her birthday, I’d have to say… nothing lost is gained.”

“That’s not how that saying goes.” I chuckle.

“I know,” she says, shrugging. “I made that up when I was a kid overseas with my mom. If you lose something, like one of your favorite shoes, for instance, and you go looking for that shoe, but you don’t find it… well, you already lost what you don’t have. So if you lose again you break even, Jordan. You don’t lose it again. Failing twice at the same thing is free. Doesn’t cost you anything.”

I nod. And we talk a little after that as we drink our tea and eat scones.

But I leave there disagreeing with her final thoughts on my dilemma.