Page 61 of The Pleasure of Panic

“It’ll fit,” Finn says, winking at me. “I got that demonstration last night about the volume capacity of your mouth, so I know things.” He taps his head with his spoon to illustrate his point.

“You’re dirty,” I say, scooping up some cereal and shoving it in my mouth.

He watches me. And I’m thinking, who makes eating cereal sexy?

“Dayum,” he says again.

“What’s that mean, anyway?” I ask, chewing slowly. I haven’t had sugar cereal in like a decade. It’s delicious. Why don’t I eat this crap daily?

“Just…” He shakes his head. “I was thinking about you all morning.”

“How long have you been up?”

“Hours,” he says. “Many, agonizing hours.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?”

“I wanted to enjoy the fact that you were sleeping in my bed for a little longer.” He grins around his spoon and I have to look away because I think… I think I blush.

“Anyway,” he says. “I was thinking about you all morning. Wondering if you’d be mad at me when you woke up. Wondering if you’d try to ditch me. Wondering if it was just gonna be a one-night thing, or…”

“Or?” I ask, when he doesn’t finish.

He shrugs. “I don’t wanna be that guy.”

“What guy?”

“The one who falls for the girl and she’s just… being casual, ya know? So she gets spooked and ghosts on him. I don’t want that. So I’m just gonna put it out there. I know what’s happening is kinda weird, but I like you. And I hope you don’t ghost on me.”

I don’t know what to say to that, so I take another bite of sugar and chew slowly to think about it.

I was gonna say, I’m not a ghoster. But it’s a lie. And I don’t want to lie to him. I am a ghoster. I’m the fuckin’ queen of ghosting on people. I’ve done it so many times, in so many places, I just can’t deny it with a straight face. And I don’t really want to start this conversation unless I can finish it.

I’m not ready for that. At all.

Finn takes the hint and reaches for the TV remote, turning up the volume.

I swivel around in my chair to stare at it, for lack of anything better to do, and that’s the moment that makes my heart skip.

Makes my hand freeze halfway to my mouth.

Makes me gasp with surprise.

Makes me question every thought, every action, every choice I’ve made over the past eight years.

Because that’s when my past catches up with me.

The room goes dark everywhere except the TV. It’s like I’m in a tunnel and there’s a spotlight on the screen.

Two faces.

“Holy shit,” Finn says. “That’s Declan.”

But that’s not the face I see. It’s the face of the man standing beside Declan.

It’s Caleb.

“And he’s with…” Finn continues. “What the fuck?”