Page 83 of The Pleasure of Panic

“So the endings, right?” I say, continuing my train of thought. “That next blank page in the book. I know we’ve just met and we don’t really know each other at all. But I have this feeling about you, Issy. Like we’ve known each other for years. Lifetimes, maybe. And I’ve never felt that way with anyone else. I’ve never just bumped into someone by accident and… wanted to be with them. Wanted to share things with them. I guess what I’m trying to say is… before you, I’ve never wanted to keep the story going. I’ve never wanted to fill up that blank page. And I know that’s not enough and makes no sense, but it’s what I feel.”

“It’s the panic,” she says, smiling again.

“What?”

“You’re thinking, Why the fuck am I telling this girl this shit? Why am I trying so hard? Why do I care? And it’s the panic. The rush of being on the same team with someone for once.”

“And yet here I am, spilling my guts, but at the same time not telling you what you need to know.”

“Why?”

I shrug. “None of that shit is who I am, Issy.”

“OK. Then who are you?”

“Just a guy doing his best to make the right decisions. And not repeat the mistakes of my father. Not end up buried in concrete on a construction site.”

She nods her head at me thoughtfully. “Will you ever tell me why you’re here?”

“Here?” I say, touching her chest.

“No,” she says, sitting up and pointing to the wall of windows. “Here.”

“Yeah, I will. When the time is right.”

“You do realize that’s the wrong answer.” But she’s smiling when she says it.

“Yeah,” I say, smiling back. “I do realize that. But it’s the only one I’ve got right now.”

She eases herself back down, resting her head on my chest. “Where would we go?”

I place my hand on her head, enjoying the fact that she accepted that answer as truth. “Did you have somewhere in mind? Because I don’t care about the place. Only the person I go with.”

“I was thinking Kansas.”

“What the fuck is in Kansas?”

“Nothing,” she says, sighing. I look down at her just in time to see her eyes close. “That’s the whole point. There’s nothing there but farms, and fields, and tractors. I’d buy a big old piece of land and just forget about the rest of the world. Live alone.” She lifts her head up to see me now. “Unless you come. I’d make an exception for you.”

“Would ya?”

“Mmmhmmm. I would. I’d get a horse and a chicken coop. And maybe start a garden, even though I can’t grow shit. I’d try anyway.”

“Well, Kansas it is. Maybe we better get the fuck out of this hotel and go pack.”

“I’m not taking anything.”

“Nothing?”

She shakes her head. “There’s nothing there for me. I mean, I love the house, but obviously I can’t take that with me.”

“The trophy?” I ask. “The framed magazine cover? The family photos?”

“Wow,” she breathes out.

“What?”

“You were in my house for like ten minutes and you just picked out the only three possessions that mean anything to me. That’s some trick you’ve got there, Agent.”