Page 42 of Pierced

“What?” Andrew leaps forward. “Babe,” he says, “I didn’t. I mean, I did not.”

“He told me to make myself unctuous.”

“What? I never used the word ‘unctuous.’”

“Doesn’t ‘unctuous’ mean ‘servile?’”

“Sort of. It also means ‘oily.’”

“Oh. Well, it’s possible I’m going to wind up being that too.”

“Shut! Up!” I’ve never heard Eden yell before. Just like everything about her, it comes across as kind of sweet. But I don’t tell her that. I just shut up, as she demands. “Start over,” she says. “Explain what the hell happened.”

And so I do.

I tell them both about the fact that I can’t seem to get over Myrtle’s continuing resentment towards me. I tell them about the fact that, unlike usual, I can’t just seem to let it go and move on. I tell them that I told Myrtle that I’d do what I had to to make it right between us. I explain about the contract and the whole Fifty Shades stuff. (I leave out the part where somehow I have gotten nicknamed Anastasia.) I tell them about the house and the dungeon and the tiger and the stuff that Myrtle did to me. And the stuff she didn’t do. I tell them that in return for letting Myrtle dominate me, she’s coming to Vail with me for the weekend.

And when I’m done telling them everything, I once again flop into a chair and pop my cufflinks. Again, because it’s super cool.

Eden looks at me, looks at Andrew, and then back at me. And says, “You have got to be the stupidest smart person I have ever met.”

“I… Thanks?”

“Jesus,” she says, coming to sit in the chair beside me. “Why are you doing this to her?”

“Me? Doing…? What? What are you talking about? What am I doing? She’s the one doing things. I’m the one getting drooled on by tigers and shit.”

Andrew rounds his desk and sits on the edge, facing me as well. “She’s right, man. I’m not sure you should be playing this game.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Man, c’mon. She could sue you, or—”

“Oh. My. God!” That’s Eden again. “No wonder you two are best friends. Oblivious geniuses are so out of fashion, you guys. C’mon! Get it together!”

Both of us look at her, obliviously. Like the geniuses we are.

“Honey,” Andrew says, “What’re you—?”

“Myrtle is in love with you, Pierce! She has been for a long time! And you making her do this… this… thing with you, it’s mean. It’s some kind of weird power game. And it’s mean.”

“OK,” I say, slowly. “First of all, she’s not in love with me. I don’t know if Myrtle’s the kind of person who falls in love. And regardless, she kind of hates me these days.”

“Yeah, dummy! Because she’s in love with you and you hurt her. Are you really that self-involved that you can’t get that?”

Shit. I’m not sure I heard what Eden just asked. I was thinking about Myrtle’s crotch on top of my crotch last night. “What?”

She huffs. “Love and hate are sides of a coin, Pierce. Yeah, she hates you because of what you did to her. But that’s only because she loved you. Probably still does.”

“There’s no—”

“And you love her.”

Whoa. What? Wait a minute.

“Whoa! What? Wait a minute,” I say.

“C’mon, you totally do. I mean, it’s been obvious since the first day I started work at Le Man.”