Page 66 of The Square

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT - CHRISTINE

Never did I everthink that I’d have to confront these feelings again. I thought it was over. Convinced myself it was finished. That I’d moved on from that dark place I found myself in two and a half years ago. Gotten over it. Past it. Came out the other end stronger, more resilient, better than I was before.

But it was all lies.

I never got over it. I never moved past it.

I’m stuck inside it still. Every raw emotion that kept me up at night, crying—no, sobbing—uncontrollably, is back.

Like it just happened yesterday. Like it just happened today. I’m in that limo with Alec again as he took me home.

Home.

What fucking home?

That place wasn’t my home. I have no goddamn home.

I look up, but not at Danny. I look up to find Alec staring at me. His mouth a tight line. His eyes sad. He looks like shit. The fucking beard, for one. So unlike him. He’s pale too. Like he hasn’t seen the sun in decades. That golden-boy persona has gone missing.

And you know what? This makes me happy.

So I say, “You deserve this,” my voice low. So the words come out as a whisper.

“What?” Danny says, thoroughly confused. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

But Alec doesn’t answer him. Doesn’t even look at him. He just stares at me with that sad, defeated face. That same face he wore when he drove me home. He nods and says, “I know.”

“You know what?” Danny says, almost shouting. “Someone fill me in. Please.”

“Christine was—”

“Oh, fuck you,” I sneer, cutting him off. “You do not get to start this story with my fucking name.”

Alec sighs. He looks weary and weak. So unlike him. But that was me, two and a half years ago. And once again I find myself feeling happy about that. We’ve switched places. I’m the strong one this time. I’m the one in control. I’m the one with the upper hand and he’s the one at my mercy.

I don’t think I’ve ever hated Alec. Even back then when all this shit was going down I didn’t hate him. I loved him so much. So fucking much it hurt. The love I felt back then was killing me. Eating me up from the inside out.

I never understood heartbreak until then. I never knew that love could hurt so much. Never thought that I, Christine Keene, would ever experience emotions so charged, so undeniable, so consuming that I couldn’t eat. Or talk. Or hell, even get out of bed.

But I did. I felt those things.

And then it was all ripped away in an instant. One minute I knew what love was and then the next… the next moment changed me forever.

“Please,” Alec says, pleading with me. “Let me say something.”

I turn away from him, shaking my head. “No. You just need to sit there and shut up.” And then I look at Danny. I look at Danny and a rush of air leaves me. The hate, and anger, and sadness all spill out with my breath. And I say… I say, “Just listen. Just let me tell it my way, OK? Give me that one chance, will you?”

“Of course,” Danny says. He gets up, takes one step, and then he’s in the seat next to me, his arm around me. Being the rock—no, the mountain—he always has been.

And I hate myself in this moment. Because I gave him up for us. This stupid fucking triangle. And why? For what?

I lost.

I thought we could work. I really did. I thought the three of us were indestructible. So when Alec and I decided to give Danny that ultimatum, we thought he’d cave. And when he didn’t, we thought it was temporary. He’d be back. And when that didn’t happen either, we mistook our infatuation for something else. We dared to dream without Danny. We dared to move on.

And this is what happened…

“Why are you smiling so big, nunu?” Alec is touching my face with both hands. His palms are cool and comforting, his amber eyes sparkling with mischief, like always. But with something else too. He loves me, I realize. And I love him back.