Page 73 of The Square

Christine is pressed up against me, Alec is so far away in this moment he might as well not be here, and I don’t know where I’m at.

No clue where I’m at.

So for lack any idea of what to do next, I pet Christine’s hair, lean my face down, right next to her forehead, and say, “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

It’s no good saying ‘I’m sorry you lost the baby’ because sorry will never be enough and it wasn’t my fault anyway. I had nothing to do with it.

But not being there—that was my fault. That’s something I caused. Something I could’ve fixed. Something that mattered.

I would not have made her happy or made her forget the shit deal she was handed, but being there would’ve made a difference. Even if it was just to run interference between the two of them or keep Alec at home more.

There’s no way he would’ve taken back up with Eliza if I was there.

Maybe that’s giving myself more credit than I deserve or maybe it’s just the truth.

I wouldn’t let him walk out. I wouldn’t have allowed him to distance himself. And I wouldn’t have let Christine’s anger and resentment fester into… betrayal.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Christine replies.

I catch Alec’s response to that out of the corner of my eye. He takes a deep breath and holds it. Like he’s trying to prevent the tired sigh that wants to escape.

He hasn’t earned that sigh and he knows it.

It occurs to me that Old Danny would take advantage of this situation. Old Danny would say something like, “Let me take you home, Christine.” And Old Danny would take her home. Back to the dirty city we grew up in. Back to the old life we lived. Back to a time when there was no Alec.

Because that’s what I wanted, right? That’s all I wanted before Christine got hurt and Alec called me to go take care of her.

But that’s not what I want now.

I’m not sure where this is going. I’m not sure the three of us are as tight or as strong as we thought. I’m not sure of anything except I don’t want to go backwards.

So I say, “We’re gonna take a day.”

“A day for what?” Christine asks.

“To process,” I say, finally turning my head to meet Alec’s gaze. He lets out that breath and it is a sigh, but not the exasperated one he thought it’d be. It’s one of relief.

I’m in charge now. I might not be in charge later, but right now I call the shots because these two can’t.

That’s what makes us strong, I realize. When there are only two people in a relationship and it begins to fall apart there’s no one to step outside the situation and be objective. But when you have three, and two of you are having trouble, that third person can hold it all together. That third person can be the glue.

For a little bit, anyway.

So that’s what I do. I become the glue.

“We’re gonna get a room and relax. Alec…” I look at him. He looks like shit. “Alec needs some rest.”

“Rest.” He laughs, averting his gaze to look out the window at the passing countryside. “I’ve been resting for months, man.”

“No,” I say. Because he’s wrong and besides, he doesn’t get to decide. “You’ve been held captive for months. And before that you ”—I almost say ‘fell over a goddamn waterfall and somehow survived’. But I don’t. I just say—“were hurt.”

He looks at me, his eyes not teary, I don’t think, but very sad. He was hurt and not just from the fall.

He was hurt by Christine’s betrayal.

By Lars’ betrayal.

Hell, I’m the only one he cares about who didn’t fuck him over.