Page 174 of Johnny

I have never told anyone this. Ever. And even though I’ve lived with the secret for five years now I

don’t think I can hide this shit inside me one more day. That folder file up in my head called dad?

Yeah. It’s damaged. Beyond repair.

And there’s no going back now. The only way to put this little genie in the bottle is to… kill

Megan. Wipe all trace of it off the earth.

And I’m not going to do that. It’s time. It’s long past time to face this truth.

“He was going to do it himself,” I say. “The Way had come up to the top floors of the building to

beat the shit out of him more times than I can count. His face was always swollen. His eyes were

always black, or blue, or some sickly shade of green and yellow. Some bone was always broken. And the threats, ya know? You can only live with that kind of fight-or-flight response inside your body for

so long before it makes you wish for death.”

I stop and picture my father. Slumped up against the window of his office. Backlit by a blue,

cloudless sky outside. Gun in his mouth. Finger on the trigger.

“He’d sent me down one level to meet the Way representatives who were on their way up for a

meeting. And by the time we came through the stairwell door and saw him, it was over. He’d made up

his mind. He was done. One way or another, he was out of here. There were no words I could say to

make him reconsider. No threat the Way could make to keep him alive.

“But he had words. He had lots of words left inside him just before he died. But his last words

were, ‘Johnny. It’s your turn now. Do your job and do it well.’ And then I shot him.”

“Why?” Megan gasps.

“Why?” I ask. And then I remember the words that came before my father asked me to kill him. It’s

not like I forgot. It’s not something you can forget. I just… never thought about it again. I just stuck it

in a folder and filed it away.

That was the only way I could manage to wake up in the morning.

“Because right before I did that he said, “Your mother was just here.”

“And I remember being so fucking confused.

“What?” I’d said. I could smell the whiskey on him. The whole room was filled with the scent of

drink. He was fucked up. My mind was racing. Trying to put his words into some kind of folder.

Trying to force it into some neat little filing system so I didn’t go insane.

“But he just kept talking.

“Big plans. That’s what he said. She was in on it. Joey was her child. She had Joey with another