Page 28 of Bossy Bride: Emma and Jesse

She goes on and on about what I should tell them. And I can see that there’s no way out of this now, so I press Joey’s contact first. He doesn’t pick up. I’m just in the middle of leaving a message about this new twist when who comes walking up to Emma but Kraken Karen?

I end the call and try to intervene before Emma notices, but too late. Karen is tapping Emma on the shoulder, and shoving a newspaper at her, and her face is nothing but a wide smile.

But it’s not really Karen’s face I’m watching. It’s Emma’s.

Because her face is not smiling. Her face has an expression of utter horror as she takes the paper from Karen and then just stares at it in abject panic.

“What?” Emma yells it so loud I can hear it over the excited crowd. “What?” Then she whirls to glare at her mother.

“Ut-oh,” Miles says, coming up next to me.

“Ut-oh is right. I gotta go.” I rush over and take Emma’s hand as she starts saying things like, “What the hell, Mom? What the fuck?”

Silvia is saying, “Language, Emma! There are children here!”

But Emma is giving out no fucks. Or she is. Because ‘fuck’ is coming out of her mouth at regular intervals.

I tug on her, trying to get her away from, if not her mother and Karen, at least the damn photographers—because they are eating this drama up like starving coyotes—but Emma is putting up a fight. “Why would you do that? Mom! Like… what is going through that brain of yours?”

Silvia is saying, “I just want you to have the perfect wedding, Emma! You’re my only daughter. And there’s no chance of your brothers ever having a wedding the way they date!”

This makes Luke go, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

But I’m pretty sure we all know what that means. I do, at least. Because Joey is in the same kind of relationship and how do you marry two or more people at the same time, right?

Tony says, “God, why do you care if we get married?”

Alonzo is pointing to his father, saying, “You didn’t tell her? What the fuck, Dad? We talked about this.”

Which only makes me more confused. But the reporters are swarming now. So I make an executive decision based on many past experiences in the tabloid spotlight and drag Emma through the crowd, not stopping until we’re in the side yard of our cottage and then only to open the gate that leads to the backyard.

The whole time she’s yelling, “Let go of me! My mother has gone too far this time! The wedding is off!”

“Fuck that,” I say, pulling her through the gate and slamming it closed behind us. “I don’t care what your mother did. The damn wedding is not off!”

Which makes her plant her hands on her hips and huff, “She has ruined everything,” as she stomps her foot.

“OK,” I say, putting up my hands. “Calm down. Tell me what the hell just happened.”

“She told Kraken Karen she can plan my wedding, Jesse! She’s some hotshot wedding planner! And”—she stops to suck in a deep breath—“aaaaaand! My maid of honor!”

“What?” I laugh. I can’t help it.

“It’s not funny!”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because apparently, my mother’s delusional mind thinks we’re best friends. And Karen just came over to me to say thank you for the invite and she really appreciates my business! I have to pay her! Pay her, Jesse! And she’s so excited about the announcement that went out in the paper today! Today, Jesse! She had it announced today!”

“So we can like… unannounce it, right? She’s not gonna plan our wedding. We didn’t sign any contract with her. And she can’t be your maid of honor. Mila, or Natalie, or Hannah already has that spot, right?”

“Right! Those girls are my best friends. Not stupid Kraken Karen! But that’s not even the worst part. My mother already had her start planning the whole thing. Look!” She thrusts the paper she’s still holding at me.

And sure enough, there is a very succinct headline that explains the entire débâcle.

Local Girl to Wed Baby Boston in a Special Dumas Street Event May twenty-fifth.

“Damn.” Then I squint my eyes. “Did we set…”