Page 47 of Bossy Bride: Emma and Jesse

They seem to be taking this whole pirate wedding thing very literally.

“No way,” I tell Jesse. “I’m not wearing that.”

Jesse sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. He pulls out his phone and checks the time. “Babe. We only have thirty minutes before we have to leave. We’re not gonna make it to the third wedding at this point.”

“But my custom dress! The mean Russian lady is working so hard on it!”

“I know. But…” He looks at the bride and groom, then back at me. “This might be our only chance to have a real wedding.”

“My hair is a mess too,” I whine. “I don’t want wedding photos of me looking like some metal-head wannabe!”

“OK, hold on,” Larry says. “I have an idea.” He holds up one finger and then walks off to the bride and groom.

“Oh, fuck. He just pulled out three more straps of money,” Jesse says. He looks at me again. “I’m not complaining about the money, OK—”

“I don’t care about the money.” But that certainly explains his pot belly under the track suit. It was literally made of money. “If we have to leave in thirty minutes, fine. But that wedding on the coaster was… I mean, what was that?”

“I don’t know. It was weird, right?”

“It definitely wasn’t legal. I did scream ‘I do,’ but I’m not Karen and you’re not Chad.”

“Do we even have the legal paperwork to get married?”

“No clue.”

“I’m starting to have serious doubts about Fingers’ Fantasy Weddings.”

“Starting?” I laugh.

“I knew this was a scam. Maybe we should just skip it and go home?”

I’m actually considering that when Larry comes back. “OK. We’ve got it all sorted. They took the fifty grand and the dress—”

“I’m not wearing that dress.”

“No,” Larry agrees. “They said it’s custom and cost well over what I just paid for the bribe—”

I snort. Whatever.

“—but the costume department said they will dress you for the wedding for an extra one large.”

I look at Jesse and he shrugs. “What’s a thousand dollars more at this point, right?”

I nod and actually smile. “A real pirate wedding?” I ask Larry.

“Real pirate wedding. All the actors are ready for this one. They even have a wig for you, Miss Emma.”

I clap. “OK. Let’s do this!”

Immediately a team of people appear and whisk me down a hallway. I look over my shoulder at Jesse, but he’s being whisked away by another team in the opposite direction. And I don’t know… this kinda maybe feels more like how it’s supposed to be. Both of us getting ready in different places so we’ll be surprised when we meet up again.

And all this is going to happen on a pirate ship!

My team directs me to a makeup chair in front of a mirror and gets busy. Two girls are putting make-up on me at once. Like… lots of makeup. Stage makeup, I realize. But OK. I get it. It’s a show. Plus, they do this every day. They must know what looks good.

Then a selection of wigs is brought out. All of them are very… pirate wench. But that’s fun, right? I choose a long red one with lots of waves. But wigs aren’t something I’m used to, so I’m surprised when they pull my hair back into a skull cap to get it all tucked away.

And the makeup is going on a little bit heavy… like my eyes are not smoky, they’re practically pits of darkness. Still, when the wig goes on for styling, it looks good. I don’t look like Emma anymore. But it’s fun.