Page 48 of Tony

“Just tell me why,” Vann whispers. “Just tell me. Or hell, just tell me you love him and I’ll go away.”

“I don’t love him. I don’t want to be with him. I don’t want him here. I want him to leave. I wish he had never come here in the first place.”

“That’s even worse. He’s no one to you? And yet he gets all the chances?”

“I’m sorry,” I whisper back.

“I’m not here for an apology, OK? I’m not here to make you feel bad. I’m not trying to guilt you into something you’ll regret. I’m here because I can’t fucking… I can’t fucking exist like this anymore. I can’t do it. I want to date you. Why can’t you just take a chance on me? Are you just not attracted to me? Am I not ambitious enough? What? What is it? What do you see in me that makes you say no without any serious consideration?”

These are all good questions. He has every right to ask them.

But I don’t know how to answer him.

Vann sighs. His shoulders slump. He turns away from me and runs his fingers through his hair as he stares off into the dark nothingness of the back yard. “You know,” he says, still with his back to me, “I’m really happy that Vic finally gave you a real chance last night.” He turns to face me, his frown still deep, his breathing still too fast. “I’m super proud of you. I want you to… do everything that makes you happy. And if that happiness doesn’t include me”—he shrugs—“OK. I get it. I understand. But I’m never going to stop being there for you. Ever. If you tell me to leave the way you did Tony, I won’t. If you clock me in the mouth, I still won’t. I’m not walking away, Belinda. Even if you tell me right now that we have no future together, I’ll still be your friend tomorrow. So give it to me straight, OK? I swear to God, I can take the truth. Is there any part of you that feels the way I do? Or should I just give up and move on?”

I take a deep breath and hold it. But when that breath comes out, the truth comes out with it. “Tara is gone. She was my best friend and now she’s living two thousand miles away. I can’t even see my mom until whatever weird shit that’s going on with the FBI and the Dumas brothers is resolved. I’m all alone here.”

“You’re not alone,” he says, clearly becoming even more frustrated with me.

“Let me finish now, OK?”

He nods. “OK. Keep going.”

“I’m all alone except for you. You are all I have. We are perfect friends. And you’re right. We know each other now. You know all those things about me, but let me tell you what I know about you, Vann Vaughn. You are the most charming asshole who ever walked this Earth.” He tries not to smile, but he doesn’t succeed. “And you’re smiling right now because you know that was a compliment and not an insult. You are honest, you are genuine, and goodhearted. You are happy, and almost never down, and you’re confident. You believe in yourself so much, it spills over into other people. Everything about you is golden sunshine. You are so bright, you light up all us little dark people from miles away. I have never met someone like you before. Not in my entire life. And now that we’ve known each other for a while, I’m quite certain that you are one of a kind. And if I fuck this up—”

“You won’t!”

“—if I fuck this up, Vann. I’m never going to find another friend like you. Ever. I’m going to die alone if I fuck this up with you.”

“Belinda, we’re good together.”

“I know that. But I’m afraid. Nothing lasts forever. We can’t just say, ‘Welp, we’re soulmates now. I guess we’re set for life!’ That’s not how it works. One day it’s going to end. One day it will fall apart. And I can’t even fucking comprehend the kind of sadness I will feel when that happens.”

“I understand that, Belinda. But it’s no different with Tony. It’s no different.”

“It’s completely fucking different! I don’t care what happens to Tony! He’s going to walk out of my life in a day or two and I’m never going to think about him again. Don’t you get it? He’s not a risk! He’s nothing! You—you, Vann—you are a million, billion, trillion risks all wrapped up into one perfect man. I’m going to die of a broken heart when we fall apart. And I’ve lived through that before. I don’t know if I can live through it again.”

“You lived through it with Tony?”

I nod. “Yes. But it’s still not the same. So don’t tell me it is. You are… you mean more to me than he could ever hope to. And trust me on this, OK? Because I know him. He’s not here to tell me the things you just told me. He’s not here to make some grand gesture and win my heart. He’s here because he needed to fuck and forget me. That’s it. That’s the only reason he’s here. He is no threat to you. Or us.”

Vann looks at me for a long moment, his face still supremely sad. “It’s not fair.”

“I know. And I agree.”

“So do something about it, Belinda.”

“What do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

He draws in a deep breath. And when he lets it out he says, “One date. That’s it. One date and at the end of the night if it’s too scary, fine. If you’re still too afraid of what might happen, then fine. We’ll be friends forever. We won’t ever talk about it again.”

I think about this for a few moments.

“One date,” he whispers. “I earned it. Just give me the chance I deserve.”

“Vann, this might—”

“This might what? God, Belinda. Just fucking take a chance with me! Everything is a risk. For fuck’s sake, we committed several dozen felonies together down in Key West when we joined the Dumas family smuggling ring!”