Page 109 of These Tears

He is now inches from me. And the question that burns inside me, he voices aloud:

‘What did you ask of him in return?’

The world disappears.

Silence doesn’t just swallow the room. It swallows every thought save one word that begins to chime inside my skull: Nothing.

At least, nothing I ever asked for plainly. Nothing that didn’t come wrapped in an apology.

I swallow it all down. Steel myself against the ugly things Elias is tearing out of me.

‘What did you?’ I risk.

We gaze at each other. Two wounded creatures staring across a line neither of us seems able to cross.

‘I asked for things,’ he whispers. ‘But my asking didn’t matter.’

My heart climbs up my chest and hooks to my throat.

‘Did Arthur hurt you?’

‘No,’ is the answer he fires off immediately. ‘You wanted to touch but you couldn’t. I didn’t want to be touched but I still was.’

There’s a heavy pause between one moment and the next. Like the last breath before the eyes close and the heart stops.

Elias reaches for the camera.

My fingers tighten on instinct. Too late.

He takes it from me with a tranquillity that feels worse than force.

The strap slides from my neck, the weight leaves my shoulders, and the shivering thing inside me lurches after it. My weapon. My shield.

Anger flashes so hard it nearly steadies me. He’s taken everything – my phone, the road, my sleep. Now he takes the last thing that lets me take in the world by safe fractions.

Without it, there is nothing between us.

No lens or frame.

No distance.

Only him and me.

‘You’re very taken by my chains. Choose,’ he murmurs. ‘Just the chains or the rest of me? Which do you want to touch?’

My fists clench around the pillow. His gaze falls to it, then lifts back to my face. He reaches for it slowly.

I pull it tighter against myself.

His hand stops. He doesn’t try again, just leaves his fingers curved into the corner while the decision sits horribly and undeniably in my grip.

Eventually, I loosen my hold, and he takes it from between us.

‘Elias, I don’t know what you want me to—’

He stills, jaw locking so suddenly the rest of my sentence never makes it out.

His nostrils flare and his eyes go distant for one daunting heartbeat before fixing on me again.