Page 25 of These Tears

Picking children’s names I never got to share with him.

Building a life around someone who had already chipped away at it before its foundations were even set.

I rake my fingers through my hair to let the cooler air through. Anna and Marina trade snide little shots over him, but the words blur.

Locking onto a spot on the wall my brain made up, I focus on my breathing.

Christ.

My hand lands against my stomach without me even realising I’ve moved it.

I wanted children with him.

What if I’d had them?

What if I’d sunk so far into that life—

‘Come on, we drink today.’ Anna tugs at my elbow. ‘This is a celebration.’

My lids move fast, as if that might clear the fog in my head. ‘Celebration?’ I echo, half-stunned.

The room won’t sharpen into focus.

‘A bullet dodged, little sister.’ She crosses to the cabinet and reaches for the top shelf.

My stomach turns the second I see the vodka bottle.

I glance at the lavatory door in the hall, measuring whether I could make it before I’m sick on the carpet.

‘Nothing like vodka to burn off the past.’

‘Terrible medical advice,’ Marina supplies.

‘Excellent family tradition.’ Anna points the tip of the bottle at her. ‘You need it, I need it, and she needs it.’

Marina’s face folds. ‘Why do I need it?’

‘Because your friend is hurting.’ The words come wrapped around a threat only a big sister can pull off. ‘Though I’m sure E. Crane will help her rebound right back.’

My head jerks towards her, mouth dropping open.

I am actually going to lose that dim sum now.

Marina gasps, mildly stunned. ‘You’re not involved with him, are you?’

‘Of course not!’ I howl.

The room tilts. I’m on my feet within seconds. ‘I need a moment.’

They don’t stop me when I bolt upstairs and cocoon myself in my duvet. Clean sheets. Laundry soap. Cotton. None touches the panic stalking the edges.

Just as my mind starts spooling back to the day I’d found the texts on Ron’s phone—

My gaze catches on a folder on my desk, one corner hanging slightly off the edge.

A taunt as much as a reminder.

My eyes remain on it.