Page 255 of These Tears

His gaze shifts towards the trees and the severe line of his profile disappears into shadow. ‘Their absence wouldn’t shake anything loose, it wouldn’t have kept you safe. Cromwell would hire others.’ His hand flexes once against his thigh. ‘I broke a hand, threatened worse.’

My jaw strains at how easily the words leave him.

The same man who makes me feel safe now talks about inflicting pain as though it belongs to the same ordinary language.

‘Killing them, though… it would have removed two men and warned Cromwell that I knew. Leaving them alive bought us time and preserved the lie that you had travelled willingly. It also meant he would not immediately send replacements. So I made sure they understood what talking would cost them – then paid them more to keep quiet.’

My grip on the blanket locks.

He hadn’t lost control – that’s the admirable part. Progress. But if he had, it would have been almost easier to understand than listening to him measuring the violence, weighing what each broken bone might buy him. Then stopping precisely where the calculation told him to.

This is the Elias I fear.

‘“The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength,”’ he says, more to himself. ‘Marcus Aurelius.’

This should not absolve him, but it reveals the distinction that I’ve missed: his calm does not mean the violence came easily. It means he remained present inside it enough to choose.

Knot by knot, my thoughts begin to loosen. I don’t ask about Isak and Melody. He will tell me when he’s ready. I don’t ask about Melody’s accusation either, though it sits between us like something waiting to explode.

But one truth surfaces regardless…

It wouldn’t have kept you safe, he said.

‘You didn’t really kidnap me to torture me, did you?’ I ask quietly.

His eyes lift to mine slowly.

When they do, something detonates in my chest.

‘I took you,’ he corrects. ‘Whatever danger existed, it still does. I’m still… wrong.’ His jaw realigns.

I pull the blanket closer, but it does nothing to disperse the bite of the sudden cold that curls beneath my ribs.

‘Stop saying that. You’re far from it.’

‘There was little time,’ he starts, and this is the first time he has allowed himself to speak about it. ‘But that is not the whole excuse. If I had told you, you would have asked questions, called Conall, involved others.’ His mouth twists. ‘I decided my judgement mattered more than your consent. Control was faster than trust, and control was the language I believed in.’

‘Arsehole.’ I shove at his chest lightly.

He accepts the first strike. The second is lighter. When my hand rises again, he catches it – and all the remaining pieces stop falling off my soul.

Then his fingers loosen. His thumb grazes the soft part of my skin at the wrist. And I close the distance between us. He accepts me into his arms, crushing the blanket between us.

‘The airport was one day,’ I say, still unsure if I should push this. ‘What about everything afterwards? The blizzard and the rules and my phone?’

He clears his throat. I can already feel the wall rebuilding itself.

‘Why did you need me to hate you?’ I ask.

‘I intended to send you home once Cromwell was dealt with.’ His focus settles on the ground. Two whole beats pass before he speaks again. ‘Hatred would have made you take survival seriously.’

I look up, watching his lips draw tight together while his gaze escapes towards the tree line again.

‘I used what Arthur taught me. If you learnt to survive me, you would survive this place and anyone Cromwell sent.’

His grip firms around me once, then loosens, as if he catches himself holding me too hard. ‘I wasn’t supposed to need you to understand. Or care whether you hated me. It was my name that pulled you into their orbit.’ His mouth brushes the crown of my head in something that isn’t quite a kiss. More a failure to keep distance. ‘But you kept looking at me like there might still be a man underneath.’

I try to separate from him. I want to look up at him as he speaks, but he holds me tight, as though he’s unable to let go.