Page 53 of These Tears

Only…

The thought won’t stick. Because it’s true and neat and reasonable on the surface… and completely useless underneath.

‘I’ll see if I can try and find those pictures of us,’ Anna says as she rolls my ten-kilo bag beside her. Conall drags the bigger one, shadows carved beneath his eyes as though he hasn’t slept in days.

The airport is quiet in the early hours. I’m thankful for that as we near the self-check-in screens.

‘The house is a mess,’ Anna exhales. ‘Make sure to send me your new address when you’re settled so I can get them over to you if I find them.’

I’m nodding, though I’m unsure whether or not I had taken them out of the blue folder on the last day I’d seen Elias. I’m almost certain I hadn’t. If he had ever accepted the envelope, I can’t imagine how baffled he would have been to receive something like that.

‘Are you frightened?’ she then asks me.

My head snaps towards her, the faint creases on her forehead making me suddenly self-conscious. And guilty for making her worried.

‘Of the plane?’ I try.

‘That too.’

Hoisting my camera and my tiny leather backpack, I start first as we proceed away from the check-in.

‘New beginnings are always hard,’ Conall supplies stoically. I notice his hand snaking up Anna’s spine. Her shoulders loosen, and something in my chest follows.

‘I’m a little frightened,’ I admit. To myself as well. ‘I’ve never been anywhere outside Britain. This is an entirely different country, with a completely different culture and a language that would take time to learn—’

‘—beautiful scenery, aurora borealis! Handsome Norwegians?’ Anna supplies with a wink.

Conall clears his throat and she gives him an apologetic, if wry, smile.

I chuckle, but it comes out as a tired, sharp exhale.

Reaching the sign that says, ‘Passengers only from this point on’, I stop and turn to them both.

Anna smiles, launching herself at me.

I bend down a touch and envelop her with my arms. I’m going to miss her fragrance: vanilla and laundry detergent. The familiar blend winds around me as the nylon of her puffer coat rasps under my palms.

I try to memorise the weight of her. Even as I hold her, my chest aches with the knowledge that this sound – her heartbeat pressed to me, her stupid little sniff – is about to turn into something I might rarely hear after today – unless it’s through a phone speaker.

We detach from each other.

I pinch her cheeks. ‘Go easy on Conall,’ I divert.

She chuckles, wiping the tear that spills over. ‘Call me as soon as you’re there.’

Nodding, I look at the Irishman who leans closer and gives me a soft hug.

‘You’ll be fine,’ he says.

The words come easily enough.

His eyes, however, don’t quite meet mine.

He gives me a weak smile as he retreats to Anna’s side.

‘Yes,’ I agree. ‘I’ll let you know when I land.’

Anna nods. Beside her, the last of the colour drains from Conall’s face. His gaze slips past my shoulder for the briefest beat as he quickly wrenches his gaze away.