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“I’m sorry. Are you trying to intimidate me?” I scoffed. “You’re about as threatening as the cornfield chorus on Hee Haw. Do you have any idea what it takes for a woman to work her way up to head chef at a fine-dining restaurant in a major city? Or what kind of bullshit I’ve had to put up with over the years from chauvinist pigs who didn’t think I should be able to tell them what to do because I lacked the requisite testicles? I’m going to tell you the same thing I told them. I own thirty different types of extremely expensive knives. And I know how to put each of them to creative use. Try to intimidate me again, and you will wake up next to a beautifully plated medley of freshly sautéed vampire bits.”
Slightly boggled, Sam stared down at me, horrified, and backed away. “You’re crazy.”
“You’ll find that all chefs are a little unstable.” I offered him my scariest smile, the kind that made waiters cringe away like frightened deer. “Normal people don’t like to play with fire and raw meat all day.”
He grabbed his mug of what I assumed was blood and stalked toward the basement door, glaring over his shoulder.
I grinned to myself. “I think I won that one.”
—
With the (disturbingly attractive) interloper holed up in his basement, I made a huge pot of coffee and retreated to my room. I threw my blinds up so the minute the sun rose, my room would be bathed in light, and crouched on my bed.
I had a vampire roommate. This was just the cherry on the crap sundae of my life.
Was this even legal? Could Lindy rent the house to me when it was already occupied? Vampire property rights were still a little vague. After the Great Coming Out, the Council wrangled with the human governments over financial issues. Vampires became the answer to a dwindling economy, an untapped taxable workforce capable of launching untold cottage industries—blood banks, all-night shopping centers, fang-friendly dental clinics.
But there were problems. Recently turned vampires weren’t eager to take back the credit-card balances they’d left behind when they’d “died.” Other vampires hadn’t paid taxes in centuries and deeply resented the idea that they’d have to file 1040s. This reluctance led to some resentment from the humans, which led to some “less than friendly” policies toward the undead when it came to mortgages, leases, and probate laws. After all, vampires weren’t technically alive, so how could they have property rights?
Even after the Undead Civil Rights Act, there were still loopholes of which humans took full advantage. Landlords suddenly aware of why some tenants only came out at night kicked vampires out of their apartments over the slightest infractions. Home loans to vampires came with outrageous interest rates. And when they divorced, they were lucky to get away with the clothes on their backs. I couldn’t imagine a judge in semirural Kentucky giving Sam a fair shake against sweet little Lindy.
Was this rental scheme some sort of revenge against Sam? They’d been married for three years before Sam had been turned. Clearly, Lindy had skinned him in the divorce. She’d taken all of the good furniture, whatever had been hanging on the walls. There wasn’t anything in the kitchen cupboards but lint and the groceries I’d brought. I was surprised she let Sam stay in the house.
I didn’t have the luxury of sympathizing with Sam. Maybe it was selfish, but I wasn’t in a very stable position myself. I’d cleared out my checking account to put down the rent on this place. I had a healthy savings account, but it was earmarked for my new apartment. And I didn’t know whether I had a job to return to after my “sabbatical.” My contract with Coda was performance-based. I got a share in the business, but the owners didn’t have to keep using me in the kitchen if I was unable to fulfill their expectations. If I didn’t have a regular paycheck, I would need every penny when I got back to the city.
I didn’t have the available cash to travel somewhere else. I couldn’t go home. I lived right around the corner from Coda. The temptation to go back to check on my kitchen would be too great. I could stay with Chef Gamling and George, I supposed. But it would prick my pride. It was bad enough that Chef felt he had to nurse me back to health like some emotionally stunted kitten. Plus, Chef’s house didn’t even have a guest room. The second bedroom had been converted into Chef’s painting studio. I would be reduced to a couch surfer. A big pathetic couch-surfing loser who talked to vegetables.
Still, I wouldn’t stay in a house with a strange man, much less a man who saw me as his favorite food group.
I didn’t want to leave the house. Hell, if I had the money for a vacation home in the sticks, I would buy the place. I liked the weird nooks and crannies in the design. I liked the quiet and the way the light came through the kitchen windows in the morning. I could sleep there, and I couldn’t seem to sleep anywhere. I wasn’t going to give that up. I needed the Lassiter place to get better. If Sam was going to get in the way of that, he would have to go.
Blinded by the Brine
3
My new landlord did not appreciate my predawn call.
“Is there a problem with the house?” Lindy asked, all guilelessness and concern.
I huffed out an irritated sigh. She was honestly going to make me say it. She was going to plead ignorance, just in case I was calling about a leak in the roof or a plumbing problem.
“Yes, you didn’t make it clear in the rental ad that the house came with a fully furnished vampire lair in the basement,” I snapped.
“Oh, that.”
“Yes, that. Your vampire ex-husband is sleeping in the basement. That would be pertinent information to give a prospective tenant, I think, before renting out the house.”
“Look, this really isn’t my problem, Tess.”
“You rented me a house that someone was already living in!”
She yawned. “Technically, no one is living there.”
“Don’t you argue semantics with me. You either get your vampire ex out of here, or you refund my money.”
“You’ll find I don’t have to do either. You signed the paperwork. The house is livable. Besides, I don’t have your money anymore.”
It was all downhill from there. Lindy said the house was my problem now and told me I had to deal with it. I told her to do a lot of things, most of which were not anatomically possible. She called the cops and reported me for harassment.
