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“See Dick,” Dick said, pointing at his chest. He then swept his hand dangerously close to mine. “Jane. Dick and Jane. Come on, you humorless jackass. That’s funny.”
“Do all vampires know one another?” I asked, fending off Dick’s languidly resting hand on my knee. It was obviously for Gabriel’s benefit. The last thing I needed was to be caught up in some bizarre undead-male pissing contest.
“Only vampires who were best friends from the cradle,” Dick replied. “But Gabriel here likes to pretend that we’ve always been archenemies. How do you two know each other? You didn’t lose a fight with him, too, did you?”
My response was not ladylike at all, which pleased Dick beyond an appropriate measure. After a beat, Dick scowled, leaned close, and sniffed my hair.
“You’re her sire?” Dick frowned. “Should have picked up on that. She’s not your type at all, Gabe. She can string a sentence together. And she’s not evil.”
“Thanks,” I said, ducking my head away. What was with vampires and hair smelling? Did that mean Gabriel had scented my hair? Like a cat? Note to self: Buy clarifying shampoo immediately.
Gabriel ignored Dick, focusing on me. “Jane, where did you go last night?”
“Not in love with your tone right now,” I told him.
“I’ll use a more cheerful tone when I have more cheerful news,” he said. “Where did you go last night?”
“The Cellar.”
He shot Dick the icy glare of death. “With whom?”
“With me,” Dick offered. “We had a very memorable encounter in the parking lot.”
“That’s not what it sounds like,” I said, elbowing Dick in the ribs.
“Jane, did you get into a fight with a vampire named Walter?”
I gave him my own lukewarm glare of malaise. “A lowlife, scum-sucking, old-man shaker named Walter, yes.”
“He’s dead,” Gabriel said.
Dick snorted. “Yeah, he’s dead. You’re dead. I’m dead. We’re all dead. I thought you knew this stuff.”
At this point, I think Gabriel was blocking out Dick ’s mere presence with some sort of meditation exercise. “No, Jane, Walter is permanently dead. He was locked in the trunk of his car, and the car was set on fire.”
“He could have done that to himself!” I exclaimed.
Dick considered that for a moment and nodded.
Gabriel gave me the stern face. “This isn’t funny.”
I held up my fingers, measuring “this much” humor. “It’s a little bit funny. I thought we turned to ashes and dust when we’re permanently killed. How do they even know that it’s Walter in the trunk?”
“His wallet and other personal effects were found with him,” Gabriel said. “Your purse was found near the car.”
“I left it at the bar last night! What’s going on? Are the police going to come knocking on my door?”
“Suspicious vampire deaths are not investigated by the living authorities, ” Gabriel said in a professorial tone that made me want to nibble on his earlobes until one of us lost consciousness.
Gabriel was still talking. “The victims are officially dead, anyway, so the humans figure why bother? Anytime a human kills a vampire, human law enforcement considers it self-defense, something the World Council has been trying to change for years. Either way, the Undead are strongly discouraged from killing one another without good reason. Losing a back-alley fight is not considered sufficient cause to set someone on fire.”
“Why would I set fire to someone I barely know? And then leave my purse next to the car so the authorities could be sure to track me down? And I didn’t lose the back-alley fight, I just didn’t win it,” I corrected. Gabriel stared. “Fine, I lost. But Dick came along and helped settle the disagreement. Walter walked away. I took Andrea home with me and went to bed…alone,” I added when Dick opened his mouth. “Dick can vouch for the fact that when I left that parking lot, Walter was alive.”
“I don’t think using Dick as a character witness is going to help you.” Gabriel said.
Dick considered that for a moment and nodded.
“She didn’t do anything, Gabe,” Dick said. “She was just trying to keep Norm from getting hurt. Even the Council will be able to see that.”
