Page 23 of Rockstar Retreat

11

Jerrik

After Sharon left,I ignored all the other people around—a few of the other guests had come out to view the show—and made my way into my room. I’d made trouble for her. It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I couldn’t help myself. The alcohol didn’t help, but at least I was on my last bottle now. Though I didn’t know if that was a good or bad thing. I didn’t know if I could get more.

But I didn’t feel like getting more to drink. I threw myself onto the bed and just lay there with my eyes closed, though I had no chance of falling back to sleep. I was exhausted, but it was more emotional than physical or mental.

I didn’t know how long I was left on my own before there was a knock on my door.

For a moment, I considered ignoring it. I could guess who was on the other side of that door, but I didn’t want to check only to realize I was wrong again, after I’d waited for her to come. Only, what if it was her and by refusing to answer the door, she never comes back?

I had to wonder why this girl meant so much to me, that the idea of her absence made me feel a little depressed. Not that it mattered much—I went into my comfort zone, which was being intoxicated and not giving a fuck about anything.

With a sigh, I got up off the bed and moved to the door, hesitating a moment before I opened it. Sharon was there, and I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

“So you came back,” I said lightly, stepping back and waiting for her to get inside.

She hesitated a little herself, but she did step inside, and I smiled a little.

“I see you’re in a better mood,” she retorted.

I lost the smile and removed my gaze from hers. “Yeah. Sorry about that. They just kept insisting, and I kept insisting, and I just started yelling because I was so done,” I muttered. I turned my back to her and went to sit on my bed. She sighed behind me, and I felt a little guilty. “I hope you didn’t get into too much trouble with your boss.”

There was a strange expression on her face, and I frowned, but then it was gone and I wondered if I’d just imagined it.

“Don’t worry about it,” she said dismissively. “I can look out for myself just fine. But I’d like to know what your problem is. And don’t just say it’s because of me,” she added quickly when I opened my mouth. “Because you can't blame the fact that you have to be here on me. And I heard the rumors about your exploits just like everybody else. I also know it’s a more recent thing, you weren’t like that when you first came here.”

I pursed my lips as I regarded her. It was true, her not being there wasn’t the only reason I was out of sorts. When I noticed the date yesterday, I’d berated myself for ever forgetting. I didn’t deserve to just forget it all, like it never happened.

Mom deserved so much more than that. More than either Dad or I had ever given her.

“Sorry about what… happened before,” I said in apology, sounding awkward, but at least I got the words out. “But yeah, you’re right. I have issues.”

I smiled, and I thought it was bitter. She wrinkled her nose at me before moving to sit beside me on the bed, putting some space between us. I would have liked to close it, but I knew she wouldn’t like it if I did, so I stayed put.

“Look, Jerrik,” she started slowly, and I felt my heart clench. “I can see that you’re hurting. You don’t have anyone, so I want to at least be there for you, and I don’t mean more sex. You came here for a reason, didn’t you?”

Yeah. I might not have wanted to admit it, but I was growing a little out of control with the shit I did. Still, if Sharon hadn't been here, someone I knew that could make me face up to what my problem was, I could have told both the label and Tom that it would have been useless.

“It’s because… it’s today.”

Her brow furrowed slightly in confusion as she tilted her head a little to the side. “What day?”

I took in a deep breath. My hands felt a little sweaty, so I wiped them down my pants. “It’s just, um… remember when I mentioned my mom’s death’s anniversary?” I waited, and she nodded slowly. “Well, it’s today. The day my mom hanged herself.”

Sharon gasped, but my eyes had already dropped from her face, because I didn’t want to see her reaction.

I’d never told anyone; I never intended to tell anyone except maybe a therapist the day I was forced—either by my work or by my own destructive behavior—to see one.

How would she react if she knew the whole thing?

I scoffed just thinking about it. But maybe, I might be able to tell her.

There was a reason no one, not even Tom, knew. I didn’t consider any of the people that hung around me friends, because I knew what would happen if they had an inkling of what my past was like. It would be plastered all over the media, and I could live without that. It was already stuck in my head; I didn’t need reminders from other people.

“Oh, Jerrik,” Sharon whispered, her voice wet. I could have told her crying was pointless, but I felt a lump in my own throat. “I had no idea… I know this won’t even help, but I am so sorry. I heard about it, but I just thought it was an accident.”

“It wasn’t,” I said, clearing my throat. “I just asked that the police not tell people exactly what happened. It was no one’s business.”