Page 96 of The Corruption of Hollis Brown

“Why can’t you just fucking want me back? Is this really that bad?” Hollis screamed into the woods. “Am I worse than death? I fucking need you! Is staying with me worse to you than death?”

Walt immediately stopped fighting and let go of their wrists, horrified.

No, Hollis, no no no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that.

How could you think I would be okay hearing you act like you don’t mean anything to anyone. How many times do I have to choose you, over and over again, before you understand? I thought we were on the same page with this shit, I thought—

Hollis, I understand, but you need to understand me too. You need to listen. I don’t think you understand how much all of this scares me. I’m scared because you make me feel small. I’m scared because your friends don’t recognize you anymore. I’m scared because it isn’t a good life, the kind you’d live with me. You deserve more than this, you deserve more than me, and I don’t deserve anything at all. You’re not worse than death, Hollis.

Don’t you ever think that again. I don’t feel that way about you, but I’m scared.

They curled on their knees, forehead to the frozen ground, hands clasped tight beneath them. Hollis breathed steam out into the cold air. Listened, really listened and thought.

Okay, I’m sorry. You’re right, it’s not about me. We . . . we just met. This has been something important for you for a long time, and it’s not fair for me to just . . . act like everything is going to change just because I showed up one day.

Walt filled Hollis’s eyes with his own tears, and Hollis let them wet the ground.

But is it so bad that I wish I could? I know it doesn’t work this way, but I wish I could love you big enough to make you happy in a way that sticks. I’m not an idiot, I know these things don’t work like that.

Walt sobbed.

I can’t have more bad things happen because of me, Hollis. I can’t take it anymore, I just want it to be over.

Hollis curled an arm around them.

It’s okay to want that. It’s okay to feel that way. Yulia likes to say, “You don’t want to die, you’re just very sad right now,” and she’s mad as fuck at us, but she’s right. Yeah, you can’t take it anymore, you want it to be over, you’re scared because you think you’re hurting me and ruining me, but I’m not the one who’s crying.

You have a lot of problems, and I can’t claim to know every last one of them. But if we went down the line and solved them one by one, would you still want to die?

What?

They were getting too cold. Hollis sat them back up. He walked them to the hollow and nestled in before he continued.

If you knew you weren’t hurting me. If my friends got used to us. If we figured out how to fix Rose Town and completed the terms of our original contract. If you got the chance to redeem yourself and give back to the community afterward. Hell, if you got a chance to learn more about Toji from Annie and figure out if he had as good of a life as you intended him to, would you still want to die?

I . . . I don’t know. I’m not sure, maybe not. But I don’t know, I’ve never thought about it like that.

Hollis pressed their hands against the walls of the hollow, trying to get some warmth back into their cramping fingers.

We can also go on meds if that helps. Antidepressants. Who’s to say they’ll work on my brain, but we can always give it a try. I don’t mind figuring that out, if it’s for you.

Walt was quiet, Hollis could hear him thinking, feel him turning this over in the back of their head.

You don’t have to tell me an answer today or anything. I just want you to know that I’m willing to work with you on this. You’re not alone anymore; we’re together in this. We’ll figure it out.

I promise.

Moon

Mr. and Mrs. Brown were asleep when they came in.

They didn’t have to explain themselves to anyone. They didn’t turn on any lights.

They slithered upstairs, took off their clothes, turned on the bath, and settled into the gloom.

Soaked the cold from their bones.

Anointed, rose petal and freesia like frankincense and myrrh.