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“An enormous pain in the rear?” Mr. Wainwright suggested.
“I was going to say ‘infuriating pustule on the butt-cheek of humanity,’ but yeah. He’s driving me crazy! He questions every decision I make. He insinuates himself into conversations and situations that are none of his business. It’s like hanging out with my mom, only without the loving part.”
Mr. Wainwright put his insubstantial hand on my shoulder. “He has that effect on people. I’m surprised you lasted this long.”
“Hmph. I just don’t think I can let him come around the shop anymore, Mr. Wainwright. I mean, he’s chasing customers away. I just got the place up and running, and he’s killing sales.”
“By all means, toss him out on his sanctimonious keister. It will be good for him.”
“Excellent,” I breathed.
“By the way, I thought you had a Chamber of Commerce meeting tonight?” he asked. “You have it marked on the calendar in the office with little skulls and crossbones. Really, you executed an amazing amount of detail with a Sharpie.”
“Yes,” I grumbled. “I do have a meeting. But I really don’t want to go.”
“But I was so proud of your joining the chamber. I had no patience for that sort of thing, really. There were too many people involved.”
“There still are,” I muttered. “I really don’t think the chamber is for me, after all, Mr. Wainwright. Those women are just—well, they’re just mean! They’ve called every day for the last week to remind me that as the newest member, I am responsible for bringing at least three kinds of mild cheese, wheat crackers, and four bottles of California white. And I’m supposed to submit weekly progress reports on how my quest for freebies is going. When I suggested that this was excessive, I was given five demerits. I don’t even know what that means! There has to be something going on. Demon possession or a man-hating cult or—ooh! Witches! They could be witches.”
“Isn’t that kind of obvious?” he asked.
“Don’t use logic on me.”
“Jane, you’re not a quitter.”
“Well, that’s just not true.”
Nice Courtney was the only chamber member who was happy to see me walking through the door with my basket of yuppie goodies.
“Jane, honey!” she cried, breaking from the pack to greet me at the door of the chamber house and relieve me of my boozy burden. “I’m so glad you’re here. We just got another new member. You’ve got to come meet her.”
A blonde in a shell-pink twin set turned when Nice Courtney tapped her on the shoulder.
Jenny gasped. “What the—”
“Hell?” I finished for her.
Jenny looked around furtively and dragged me into the foyer. “What are you doing here?” she demanded.
“I joined last month. What are you doing here?” I shot back.
“I joined tonight.”
“You’re not a business owner.”
“Yes, I am,” she shot back, handing me her business card.
“What, so I started a business, and suddenly you have to start one? How transparent are you?”
Jenny rolled her eyes. “This has nothing to do with you.”
“Well, it’s a hell of a coincidence.”
“I’ve wanted to start my own business for years, and now the boys are getting older. There’s a huge market out there for people who would love to create a kind of memory craft but can’t so much as cut a straight line. People like you. I’m just making it a little more upscale. And technically, you didn’t start one, you inherited it, just like you’ve inherited everything else. The house, Missy’s holdings, the shop—is your long-term plan based on making friends with the elderly chamber members so they remember you in their wills?”
“There are no elderly chamber members. The Courtneys sacrificed them to their evil god,” I growled, ignoring the confused look on Jenny’s face as she searched the room for a face over forty. “And I don’t think I’m going to take crap off someone who was trying to smuggle valuables out of my house in her craft bag.”
Jenny protested, “I wasn’t stealing—”
