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Somehow, it seemed so much worse than the first time. I sank to my knees, crying until my eyes ran dry. I cried until I was embarrassed to be crouched in an alleyway, shedding tears for someone who obviously didn’t care enough to shed them for me. I pulled myself together, grabbing my purse and straightening my rumpled clothes.
“Damn it.” I sniffled, looking around. “Where’s my underwear?”
I didn’t want to be that friend who shows up at your door with raccoon eyes and hysterics, complaining about her love life.
That’s why I didn’t wear mascara.
Andrea opened her door, wearing Dick’s “Virginia Is for Lovers” T-shirt and no pants, drinking a Budweiser from the can. A Wrestlemania highlights DVD was playing in the background.
“Baby, who is it?” Dick asked, coming out of the kitchen, wearing one of those beer-drinking helmets, jeans, and no shirt.
“I take it back, you are not the same woman I met a year ago,” I told Andrea.
Andrea burped noiselessly under her breath. “I’m aware.”
“Everything OK, Stretch?” Dick asked, taking off the helmet. He didn’t, however, bother to turn down the wrestling match. Apparently, someone was about to shave Vince McMahon’s head again.
Andrea rolled her eyes at him and turned the TV off. “What’s going on, Jane?” I tried to ignore the unsaid “this time” that hung in the air.
I opened my mouth, but I just couldn’t find the words to express the mishmash of frustration and plain old mad I had spinning through my head. I moved my lips. I narrowed my eyes. I made angry hand gestures. But no words came out. I started to pace, gnawing my fingernails to the quick. Fortunately, they grew back almost instantly, which meant I had an endless supply.
Andrea stopped me in my tracks by grabbing my shoulders. “OK, sweetheart, I’m all for nonverbal forms of communication, but you’re starting to look like an extremely pissed-off mime. Use your words.”
“I Tased Gabriel!” I blurted.
“Sweet!” Dick shouted. Andrea shot him an annoyed look. “Right, sorry.” Dick tried to look remorse-stricken, but the minute Andrea’s back was turned, he gave me an enthusiastic double thumbs-up.
“What are you doing with a stun gun?” Andrea cried. “And how long have I been working in close proximity to you and said stun gun without my knowledge?”
I threw my hands up, exasperated. “Why is everyone so surprised that I have a stun gun?”
“Because I’ve seen you staple your hand to a purchase order,” Andrea told me.
“Well, I can’t return the damn thing now. I used it. On Gabriel. Why can’t I get a reaction on that?”
“OK, why did you zap Gabriel?” Dick asked, his eyes gleaming. “Don’t be afraid to go into details.”
“He snuck up behind me, and I just zapped him. It was an accident. At first.”
“That’s my girl,” Dick crowed.
“And then I had sex with him,” I said, grimacing. “But just a little bit.”
“I’ll be in the kitchen,” Dick said, beating a hasty retreat to another beer.
“And then he dropped me!” I cried, burying my face in my hands.
Andrea gasped. “He broke up with you? Again?”
“No, he literally dropped me, on my ass, on the concrete!”
Dick turned on his heel and flopped onto the couch. “I can stay a little while.”
Andrea gave him a silencing glare and patted my shoulder. “So, you had a little accidental sex, big deal. It’s like falling off the wagon. I’ll just take away your thirty-day Gabriel-free chip, OK? Wait, you didn’t stun him again afterward, did you? Is that why he dropped you?”
“No, I dropped my purse, and a bunch of the creepy letters fell out. Gabriel saw them and asked if ‘she’ was writing to me. Which means that this isn’t just some random crazy. This is someone from his past, someone who sent him into some sort of Shirley MacLaine in Terms of Endearment -style panic at the idea of her communicating with me. And you know what pisses me off?”
Andrea nodded. “I’ve got some idea.”
