Page 55 of Stealing a Kilted Heart

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

With the rush of adrenaline gone and after having returned to her small cottage in the castle grounds, Fia was suddenly thrown into a panic. Her heart raced in her chest, her hands trembled uncontrollably, dropping the cup of tea Bane had brewed for her, the clay chipping off upon impact.

She cursed under her breath. Nothing she did seemed right; even though she had long since decided to abandon her plan, it still haunted her everywhere she went.

Knox would not leave her alone. No matter what she had done, no matter how gently and subtly she had tried to extricate herself from him, he continued to pursue her. His feelings showed no signs of fading and Fia couldn’t understand how someone like her, someone Callum had put down time and time again, could have gotten the attention of such a great man as the laird of the clan. She didn’t deserve Knox, not even a tiny bit. And she was not selfish enough to pursue him.

She didn’t deserve it; she didn’t deserve any of it. She was not the brave, honest woman Knox thought she was.

The only way out of this was to tell him the truth, but then he would despise her and he would kick her and Bane out of the castle. She didn’t care about herself so much; Knox could do as he pleased and she would suffer it because she deserved to face the consequences. Bane, though, didn’t deserve any of it. He had done nothing wrong; it was only Fia, with her foolish ambition and her even more foolish plan for revenge, who had gotten him into that mess.

“Fia… calm yerself,” Bane said as he began to gather the chipped pieces of clay and mop up the spilled tea with a piece of cloth. From the lips of anyone else, Fia would have taken those words, that tone, as harsh and unfeeling. But when they came from Bane, she knew what it was; a way for her to snap out of her panic, to provoke her just enough for her to return to herself.

It didn’t work, though it was usually an effective strategy. This time, her panic felt too deep, bottomless, as though she still hadn’t reached its murkiest parts. She was still sinking into its bowels, still hadn’t reached the bottom, and she didn’t know if she ever would.

“Fia,” Bane called again, but this time his tone was gentler, his hand coming to rest on her shoulder as he crouched down next to her chair so that they were at the same level. It was only then that Fia looked at him, finding him smiling softly at her.

She didn’t deserve that either.

“Come now… what happened? Ye were fine just yesterday.”

“I cannae dae this anymore,” she finally said, gasping as though she hadn’t managed to draw a single breath all that day. “What am I supposed tae dae now, Bane? Knox… Laird Stuart, he keeps bein’ so wonderful. He… he treats me so well an’ I dinnae deserve any o’ it. What am I supposed tae dae?”

Bane sighed, giving her a pat on the shoulder. “Naethin’,” he said. “Eventually, he’ll have tae wed another woman. Everyone in the castle is talkin’ about how the council wants him tae wed, so ye shouldnae have this problem fer much longer.”

The room seemed to darken at that, as if a cloud had passed over Fia and covered the sun completely. Knowing that he was meant to be married to another woman was just as painful, almost unbearable. She had truly fallen for him; her heart belonged wholly to him. Knowing he would be married to another woman was akin to torture.

But perhaps it’s the torture I deserve.

“I see,” she said, her voice sounding so weak that she hardly recognized it as her own. But then a thought occurred to her, that unnerved her as much as it gave her sick hope. “But what if that daesnae stop him?”

It was hardly unheard of for lairds to have paramours and if that was what Knox wanted, Fia didn’t know how she could avoid him. Was he the kind of man who would do such a thing? Or would he be loyal to his wife, as was expected of him by God?

She supposed it all depended on whether he loved her or not.

“Then perhaps ye should tell him the truth,” Bane said. “Wouldnae that be best fer everyone?”

“Nae fer ye,” Fia pointed out. “He’ll be angry, o’ course. What if he sends us away?”

“Then… then we return home,” Bane said, with such calm and conviction that it was difficult for Fia to hold onto her panic. If Bane was calm, then it meant he knew what to do, and if he knew what to do, then there was nothing for Fia to worry about. It wouldn’t be the first time she had to rely on him, on his guidance, to get through a difficult time.

“But ye like it here.”

“I dae,” Bane admitted. “O’ course I dae. It’s very comfortable. But I dinnae need any o’ this, Fia. All we need is a roof over our heads, some warm food, an’ tae keep lookin’ fer Tav. An’ I… I have sorely neglected that while we’ve been here.”

Bane sounded so wounded by that, Fia couldn’t help but stare at him in surprise. So blind had she been, so concerned with her own problems with Knox, she hadn’t even thought much about Tav those past few weeks, overcome by her worries and fears about everything else.

“Bane… I’m sorry,” she said as she sank to her knees on the floor next to him, pulling him into a tight hug. Bane hesitated for a moment, but then his arms wrapped tightly around her, the two of them holding onto each other like they did when they were children and the storms chilled them to the bone, even in the safety of their cottage. “I’m sorry… I wasnae thinking… I didnae realize…”

“It’s alright,” Bane assured her, shushing her gently. “Ye had so much tae think about. It’s alright, I promise. And I got distracted as well…”

Pulling back from him, Fia grabbed his face in her hands, staring at him in the eyes. “Dinnae blame yerself,” she said firmly, through gritted teeth, hot tears carving stinging paths down her face. “Dinnae think fer a second ye did somethin’ wrong. An’ dinnae think fer a second that we willnae find Tav. He’s out there, I ken he is. An’ we’ll find him together.”

This was what she needed, Fia thought. She had lost her way somewhere along the line, losing track of what was important and what wasn’t. As much as it pained her to know that she couldn’t be with Knox, as much as the thought of him with another woman wounded her, it was nothing she could change. But what she could do was search for Tav and bring him home. She could help save her brother.

Bane nodded, at least as much as he could with Fia holding his face like that. “Aye,” he said, the word coming out choked, as if he had trouble speaking it. “Aye, ye’re right. We’ll find him.”

For a while, the two of them stayed like that, kneeling on the floor in each other’s arms. When Bane pulled back from Fia, she saw that he had been crying, too, but he was quick to wipe the tears off his face with the back of his hand. With a deep breath, he stood and offered his hand to her and she took it and did the same, taking a moment to breathe.