Page 3 of Shallow Remains

“Oh my God,” Xanthe said, sounding far away. “Blaine!”

Maddy tried to shake her head. No, don’t. She’d be okay in a minute.

The trembling took hold no matter how hard she fought it. Her throat was squeezed shut, the world spinning around her.

She was still hunched over fighting for air when Blaine’s voice came from behind her. “Mads?”

Hushed footsteps approached on the plush carpet. She caught the scent of his cologne an instant before he hunkered down beside her and covered her hand with his. His touch was warm. Solid. Comforting. “Hey.”

She wheezed in a breath. Kept her eyes shut as black spots appeared behind her eyelids. God, she hadn’t had one of these in a long time. At least, not this bad. Why did it have to be in front of Xanthe?

Blaine didn’t move. He remained silent, let her panic subside while giving her the quiet comfort and support of his steady presence.

When she could get a decent breath again, she opened her eyes and straightened in her chair. Exhaled slowly, her limbs still quivering a little. She swallowed, feeling a little queasy.

“You good now?” he asked, hazel eyes searching hers.

She nodded. Licked her lips. “Yep.” She was awesome. Two thumbs up.

He glanced over at Xanthe. “Can you bring her a cup of tea with some honey?”

“No, I’m fine,” she insisted. Well, she would be fine in a few minutes. As fine as she got, anyway. That was up for debate.

“Bad one, huh?” Blaine said softly.

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for.”

“I’m the one who’s sorry,” Xanthe said, standing off to the side by the window with an anxious look on her face. “I said hi when I came in the room, but I guess you didn’t hear me with your headphones on.”

“It’s okay. I had the volume up too loud.” She felt so stupid.

She’d only recently started using her headphones again while working. Because she’d finally felt safe enough to. And only because this office she’d set up in one of Blaine’s walk-out basement suites was her new safe space.

Since she’d arrived almost a month ago, his gorgeous mansion overlooking the green waters of the Salish Sea had become a metaphoric fortress against all her demons. So long as she was here, she knew she was safe. She’d placed the beautifully carved desk facing the window so she could enjoy the view, but she would have to think about changing the setup so she could see the door.

Still, she couldn’t ignore that this situation was unhealthy. An unsustainable arrangement that wasn’t good for any of them long-term. She would have to find a place of her own soon.

She cleared her throat. Squeezed her chilled, clammy fingers around Blaine’s hand in silent thanks, and to reassure him she was fine before turning toward Xanthe. “So. What’s up?”

Xanthe stared at her a moment with pretty silver eyes, as if unsure whether to say anything more at all. “I came down to tell you we’ve been invited to a last-minute engagement thing for Willow and Tripp tonight. Willow’s friend Bronwyn is in town. She and Mae are putting on a get-together up at Tripp’s place. I should’ve just texted you.”

Maddy’s face was hot, her heartrate slowly returning to normal, and this news didn’t help. Social events weren’t her thing, never had been, so her first instinct was to say no. She would stay here by herself again tonight…like a hermit. Retreat even further from the rest of the world and everyone in it.

Until she turned into a recluse with only two friends because they all lived under the same roof. Maybe she’d eventually become too afraid to leave the house.

That stark glimpse of her future if she continued down this path stopped her from blurting out the “no thanks” poised on the tip of her tongue.

Those images scared her. She didn’t want to end up like that. That wasn’t a life.

She’d thought she was mostly recovered from the trauma of being taken captive. Now she was forced to admit that was a lie she’d been telling herself. This PTSD panic attack was clear evidence that she still had a long way to go before returning to “normal.”. Even if her “normal” was a lot different than most people’s.

Now that she’d been given this critical look at herself, at what amounted to the current situation she called her life…she was ashamed. At what she’d become. Of how restricted and insignificant her life was and how small her world had become. She was a mere shadow of the person she’d been before Syria.

She had to do something to change that. Fast. Because something told her if she kept going like this for much longer, she would never break free of the toxic cycle she’d created.

“Sure, I’ll go for an hour or two,” she said, ignoring the spike in anxiety at committing to it.