Page 60 of Bonds of Shame, Bonds of Lust

"Can I ask you something?" I said.

"You can ask me anything."

"Women." I kept my eyes on the windshield. "What's it like being with them, for you? Is it different than with men?"

She smiled. I caught it in the dash light. "Some. I like people. I like what happens when I touch them and I know exactly what they're feeling." A beat, and her voice dropped. "With women I get to be the one who runs it. I like that more than I should."

More than I should.

"Run it how?"

She glanced at me. "You sure you want the answer? You've always stopped me before when I tried to describe it."

"Yes."

She exhaled like she'd been waiting a long time. "I take them right up to it. Then I stop. Then again. Until asking nicely isn't enough anymore and they have to ask me for it properly." She turned back to the road, easy again, the crack sealed over. "I like them to be all mine for a while." She turned to me. "I like to feel like I own them, and they know it."

I didn't say anything. The throb in my clit was almost painful.

Oddly for Janice, she didn't say anything more. Just let me sit with that. She'd said it after an hour of holding my eyes across a room while another man was inside her.

Janice pulled up to the curb and put the Jeep in park.

"We fly out Wednesday, I'll drive us to the airport. You have no idea how much I'm looking forward to it!"

I looked at her a moment before I answered. She was flushed, watching my face with that attention I was only now learning to read. I would be on the cruise with Janice, and this feeling she planted, in the same cabin.

"Yes, I can't wait either!" I said. I left in a small hurry, the pressure needing immediate attention. I didn't even make it to the bedroom before my fingers started working.

26 - A PRIVATE PLACE

Lacey

I lay in the gray pre-dawn for a while, waiting for my sexual longing to settle. It didn't. It hadn't been settling for weeks. The want had stopped being about anything in particular.

I got myself there fast, one hand under the waistband, not thinking about anyone, chasing the craving that wouldn't leave me alone. I came with my face in the pillow.

The relief lasted maybe six seconds.

Christ, Lacey. This isn't normal. This is not what your body is supposed to be doing.

I lay there with my hand still inside my underwear and thought, quite clearly, that I had a problem.

I was supposed to see Ricardo today. He'd called it a fun run. After the restaurant I didn't know what to expect. Maybe just a jog?

I can meet you at the trailhead at one.

I gave him the address.

I'd put on a panty liner before I'd even brushed my teeth, because I couldn't have anything rubbing against me, because I evidently had no say in the matter.

The morning dragged. I had three patient charts to finish before Tuesday. I sat with them and got through none of them. I'd read three lines and find myself staring at the wall, already somewhere else, already in the trees. After the third try I gave up and just waited for one o'clock.

I'd had a healthy appetite before. Okay, more than healthy. But that was something I had. This was something that had me.

Twelve forty-five. I changed and checked the mirror. The Lacey Bonds in the glass looked the same as the one who'd stood there months ago, when nothing had been wrong with anything. I made myself stop looking.

I drove the mile and a half to the trailhead and saw Ricardo's bicycle locked to the post at the entrance.